


press record, i'll let you film me

by thegreatpumpkin



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Camfic, M/M, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:06:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 32,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24517393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegreatpumpkin/pseuds/thegreatpumpkin
Summary: Thor is shocked and concerned to discover Loki has been camming while he's away at college for extra cash. And when his curiosity drives him to watch some of his little brother's videos, he finds out that's not the only secret Loki's been keeping.
Relationships: Loki/Thor (Marvel)
Comments: 268
Kudos: 315





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [willowthewitch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/willowthewitch/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Mistake or not, I’m blinded by you](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18103343) by [LittleHouseMouse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleHouseMouse/pseuds/LittleHouseMouse). 



> This started as a sort of college remix of LittleHouseMouse's "Mistake or not, I'm blinded by you" (with permission) but has sort of veered off into something more loosely inspired by that fic. Thank you so much, LHM, for letting me play with your toys :)
> 
> And happiest of birthdays to J, who is as always the best RP companion, story muse, and all around delight.

Thor’s twenty-first birthday dawned fresh and sunny, with dew sparkling on the grass.

Frigga made breakfast, which they ate on the patio to enjoy the weather before it inevitably ratcheted up into less pleasant temperatures. Thor took his time; the day, and the summer for that matter, stretched out before him with infinite possibility.

Oh, he’d be working, of course, but he was still home for the entire summer and so were all of his high school friends. Hogun and Volstagg were taking him out tonight to celebrate; Sif was already agitating for them to get together enough people for a regular Ultimate team, and Fandral wanted everyone to meet the latest girlfriend. It would be almost like summers before they’d graduated.

Loki was home too. He'd come down to breakfast still in pajamas, tousled and sleepy, his hair loose and wavy instead of its usual slicked-back perfection; Thor thought, not for the first time, that he didn't entirely recognize his brother. It was like freshman year had honed him into a just-slightly-different take on the familiar version Thor had grown up with. For a minute, he could see him as other people must, people who were meeting him for the first time.

Loki caught him staring and pulled a face. "Don't judge me. I wouldn't even be awake if Mom hadn't made me. You're lucky I'm wearing clothes at all. Happy birthday, I'm not naked."

"Gross," Thor said automatically, and Loki flipped him off when Frigga was looking the other way. Yeah, there was the little brother he knew. He grinned and Loki rolled his eyes.

"What are you doing to celebrate? Wait, let me guess. Buying a jug of margarita mix and a bottle of tequila and getting drunk with your friends in the backyard?"

"Definitely not," Odin interjected. "I work in the morning, you're going to need to take it elsewhere. I know how rowdy your friends get."

"Hogun and Volstagg are taking me out."

"Where?" Loki asked, leaning forward with interest, and Thor felt like he was probably being set up for something.

"I don't know. Some bar they like."

Loki quirked an eyebrow. "You're going to leave Sif and Fandral out? On your birthday?"

It wasn't like Loki to care. "They said it was fine. I'll get dinner with them later in the week or something."

"I'm just saying, if you want to be an idiot and get drunk because you can now, you could still go to a restaurant or something. So they could come." Loki shrugged. "Do what you want, it's your birthday.”

“I will.”

“Fine.” Loki rolled his eyes again, then went back to his pancakes.

Later on, though, he caught Thor on the way out the door. "Hey. Happy birthday." He smirked and held up a twenty with one of those stick-on bows affixed, pinched between two fingers. "Buy yourself something nice."

"Ooh, high roller," Thor teased, reaching for it, but Loki pulled it just out of range, still smiling.

"Look who's talking, Mister ‘These Holes Aren't a Fashion Statement, I Just Haven't Bought Jeans Since Moana Was Still in Theaters.’ This is like two and a half beers your friends don’t have to buy, show a little gratitude."

Thor had another one of those strange moments, seeing Loki like other people saw him. _Loki’s_ jeans, of course, were very much a fashion statement—black and close-fitting, cuffed above the ankles, a t-shirt printed with some sort of abstract art that was probably a band logo tucked haphazardly into them at the front. Casual, but not unintentional. He looked good. And strangely grown up.

“Thank you, Loki,” Thor said, genuine enough that his brother looked confused for a moment. “I will savor each and every sip. Nay, I will sing your praises each time before I lift the glass, _hail Loki, who—_ ”

“Happy birthday, asshole,” Loki interrupted with exasperated fondness, smacking the bill against Thor’s chest and leaving him to catch it before it fluttered to the floor. 

~

The summer went by—as summers do—way too fast. Thor mostly enjoyed working at the hardware store, although if one more old man with something to prove bawled him out about the cost of MDF or whether the plants in the garden center were being cared for to their very exacting standards, he might dump a bag of potting soil over someone's head.

He was a little jealous of Loki, who seemed to be taking the summer off. He apparently waited tables at an Italian restaurant during the school year and claimed he made bank in tips; despite Frigga and Odin's best efforts to motivate him to find something, he insisted he was fine on paying for school, and resisted for long enough that it reached the point of the season where there was no use in applying for anything when he'd be back at school in a little more than a month.

He did seem to be telling the truth about the money situation, though. He had plenty of new clothes, nice ones, and though he wasn't as much of a social butterfly as Thor he certainly went out often enough with Darcy and Sigyn. Maybe Thor should have looked into serving instead of retail.

Or maybe something else was going on.

A few days before the end of summer, Thor was packing to go back—he’d gotten pretty good at the whole song-and-dance of what could fly with him and what needed to be shipped, and therefore had put it off later than ever this year. 

He could swear he’d put his red and gold hoodie in the last dryer load, but he couldn’t find it now. Maybe it had gotten mixed in with Loki’s stuff—he’d seen a basket of his brother’s laundry down there when he was changing loads. He bounded across the hall, opening Loki’s door enough to stick his head in.

“Hey, Lokes, have you folded your laundry yet? I can’t find my—”

Loki dropped his phone, scrambled quickly to cover himself. “What the _fuck_ , Thor, get _out_ , don’t you _knock?!_ ” Thor backed out before his brother could start throwing things, but he couldn’t unsee what he’d seen, and Loki wasn’t likely to forgive that any time soon. _Fuck_. Why _didn’t_ he knock? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

It would almost have been less weird if he’d walked in on Loki rubbing one out, to be honest. Not that he wanted to see that either, but at least that was something he already could have guessed was happening. But this—he hadn’t wanted or needed to know that his little brother owned underwear with that much black lace. Or that he was clearly taking a picture of himself in it, and it was a safe bet the picture was for someone else.

 _Don’t think about it_. As if trying _not_ to think about something ever worked.

 _Okay, then, don’t be weird about it at least._ Loki was an adult, technically. He could send racy photos to other adults if he wanted to. Thor could acknowledge, from a purely logical standpoint, that it was true.

But Loki was just a _kid_ , really. He’d never had any kind of serious relationship, as far as Thor knew, and now he was sending photos of himself in see-through lingerie to...who? Someone he’d met at school? Was that why he had a bunch of nice things suddenly, he had a rich secret boyfriend? 

He told himself, firmly and repeatedly, that it was none of his business. He had packing to do.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short one this time. I'll try my best to maintain a fast update schedule--I have a buffer of a few chapters, but frankly at the moment I'm just writing for dear life with no clue when this horse will throw me.

**Wednesday, September 25, 2019**

 **Thor:** hey, um, is loki seeing someone? 

**Darcy:** who tf is this

 **Thor:** come on darcy it's thor 

**Darcy:** OH. shit haha i thought somebody was playing the high school 'tell ur friend my friend likes him' game 

**Darcy:** in that case, none of your business but have a great day! 

**Darcy:** :) 

**Thor:** darcy 

**Thor:** come on 

**Thor:** i'm not trying to get dirt i'm just worried about him 

**Darcy:** why 

**Thor:** because he's my brother 

**Darcy:** lol obviously no i mean why as in. what precipitated this. 

**Darcy:** what piece of information has caused you to text near-strangers in your quest for further information 

**Thor:** darcy i've known you since you were ten we're not strangers 

**Darcy:** bold assumption, also not an answer 

**Darcy:** come on let's go on this adventure together 

**Darcy:** dying to know what you think you saw 

**Darcy:** heard? 

**Darcy:** intuited? 

**Darcy:** omg wait were you on grindr 

**Thor:** WHAT 

**Thor:** loki is on grindr??? 

**Darcy:** idk i just read an article like that one time where some guy found his brother on grindr and freaked out 

**Darcy:** hypocrisy, right? 

**Darcy:** anyway 

**Darcy:** what you call ~reasons to worry~ i call blackmail material on my bff so 

**Darcy:** spill 

**Thor:** never mind, i don’t know why i bothered 

**Darcy:** booo 

**Darcy:** you’re no fun 


	3. Chapter 3

Thor forgot about it.

_ Mostly  _ forgot about it. Sure, okay, sometimes he’d fret a little about it. Maybe he texted Loki more than he had before, reassured by the snarky answers that definitely meant he wasn’t kidnapped or murdered and  _ probably _ meant he wasn’t heartbroken because some asshole had posted his private photos all over the internet.

Not that that couldn’t still happen at any time. Had anyone ever talked to Loki about that? Thor didn’t think their parents would have—they hadn’t talked to  _ Thor _ about it, although he supposed maybe Loki had gotten a different version than the “Don’t send inappropriate photos to women unsolicited” talk that they  _ had _ given Thor. After all, it had been clear early on that Loki was gay.

Still, he worried. A bit. When he thought about it, which wasn’t often. Really, he mostly forgot.

Until he was home for winter break.

Christmas had come and gone; they were all in the strange post-holiday doldrums, drifting around each other like overfed ghosts. It was a total fluke that he even saw the tattoo—Loki had been careful, presumably because he didn’t want Odin and Frigga to know about it, and honestly it wasn’t in a place anyone was likely to see it in December. Thor had just happened to walk into the living room at the right time—wrong time—when Loki was peeling off his sweater, and the long-sleeved tee beneath it came up as well. Loki caught it quickly and shoved it down again, but not before Thor caught sight of the ink flowing up his back.

“When did you get that?”

Loki spun around, his posture defensive. “What the fuck, Thor, don’t sneak up on me like that!”

“Usually you tell me I walk like an elephant. Now I’m sneaking?” Thor shot back. “When did you get a—”

Loki’s sharp, abortive hand movement and fierce scowl cut him off, just as Frigga came through the far door with her mug of tea.

“—cartilage piercing?” Thor said instead, which he thought was a nice save.

Loki was facing away from their mother, so he could give Thor the steady glare that meant  _ don’t you dare rat me out or I’ll make you regret it. _ “Um, last year for my eighteenth birthday? How do you not remember that? Dad tried to disown me?”

“He didn’t try to disown you,” Frigga said reasonably, folding herself onto the couch and reaching for the book she’d left on the side table. “It just took a little getting used to, for both of us.”

“Sure, yeah,” Thor said, feeling stupid now. He’d defended Loki then, helping talk Odin around—pretending not to remember hadn’t been as clever a choice as he’d thought, but he’d never claimed to be good at quick thinking. “I just forgot what that argument was about, I guess.” It wasn’t as if Loki and Odin didn’t have plenty of them.

Loki rolled his eyes expansively and went on into the kitchen.

Thor stayed put, but he couldn’t stop wondering about the tattoo. He couldn’t say for sure—he hadn’t seen enough of it to know exactly what he’d been looking at—but he thought it might have been a full back piece. Even if it wasn’t, it had definitely been fairly large, and ink like that wasn’t cheap. He’d noticed Loki was wearing new boots, too, black Docs with roses stitched up the sides. And who knew what else he’d added to his wardrobe that Thor hadn’t even seen? Had Loki really paid for it all just waiting tables?

He  _ had _ to talk to Loki about it. If he wasn’t being safe—if some asshole hurt Thor’s little brother—no. They would talk about it, and he’d make sure Loki knew to be careful, because it was Thor’s job to look out for him even if he  _ was _ technically grown up now.

He went up in the evening after dinner, turning towards Loki’s door instead of his own. Their parents were still downstairs cleaning up in the kitchen, so he wasn’t going to have to explain why he needed a secret conference with Loki.

That thought made him a little sad, actually. There had been a time when no one would have blinked twice at him going to Loki’s room to talk. They’d drifted apart somehow, he wasn’t even sure when.

He shook himself out of melancholy and knocked.

“Yeah?”

He opened the door and stepped in, closing it behind him. Loki was sprawled out on top of the duvet, playing on his phone. “Hey,” Thor said, tentative.

He half-expected Loki to chase him out, or else demand he spit out whatever he wanted and then go immediately. Instead Loki seemed...surprised, and warily curious, putting the phone down to look at him. “Hey.”

Thor took a step further into the room, then paused, looking around awkwardly. Loki’s room was tidier than Thor’s, but there was clean laundry stacked on the desk chair, and Loki was taking up all the room on the bed. “Can we talk?”

Loki stared at him for a moment longer, then sat up, reaching to clear the laundry off the chair and push it towards him. “I hope you’re not here to go all Mom on me about the tattoo.”

“I would never,” Thor said solemnly, holding down a smile.

Loki raised a skeptical eyebrow, but a slow grin spread across his face before Thor was compelled to confess. “Wanna see it, then?”

_ “Yes.” _ Thor couldn’t help it, he was dying of curiosity, even if that wasn’t at all why he’d come. “I couldn’t tell what it was downstairs.”

Loki scooted around until his back was to Thor, pulling off his t-shirt to show the tattoo. It was a magpie in flight, stark in black and white but delicately rendered, framed by esoteric-looking circles and lines and arrows, just as delicate. Thor didn’t realize he’d reached out until his fingertips made contact and Loki startled under his touch.

“Sorry,” he said quickly, yanking his hand back.

“It’s fine,” Loki said, just as quickly. “I just wasn’t expecting it. I mean, it doesn’t really feel like anything, now that it’s healed. But I kept touching it in the mirror after it stopped peeling, too.”

Thor was having that strange double-vision again. It was really unsettling—not because he didn’t  _ want _ Loki to be that cool, confident person, just because it had somehow happened without Thor noticing at all. He’d missed something huge, somewhere along the line. “It’s  _ really _ cool. Your artist did an amazing job,” he said at last, and the way Loki beamed at that broke Thor’s heart a little, though he couldn’t say why exactly. 

“So what did you want, if not to Mom me about the tattoo?” Loki pulled on his shirt again, breaking the moment, becoming just Thor’s kid brother again. It was sort of a relief.

“Well. Uh. To Mom you about something else?” Thor said a little sheepishly, and Loki raised a sardonic eyebrow. “Better than Dad-ing you about it, right?”

Loki snorted. “Sure, okay. Get to the point so I can ignore your well-meaning advice.”

Thor rolled his eyes, then settled into seriousness. “Look, I...know you’re not getting all this stuff just by waiting tables.”

Loki’s entire demeanor changed, the half-smile dropping off his face like it had lead weights attached. His voice stayed calm, though. “You don’t know shit, Thor. I work my ass off, I’m allowed to buy nice things.”

“I’m not saying that,” Thor protested, and damn it, how did Loki always put him on the defensive even when he wasn’t doing anything wrong? “Just  _ listen _ for a minute, okay, and then I’ll leave you alone. It’s fine if you’re, uh, if someone’s buying you presents, I’m not judging.” Loki went tense all over, so he was clearly right. “You’re an adult, you can make your own decisions, I just—people can be really shitty, okay, even people that seem good. I just want to make sure you’re being safe, using protection and um. Not sharing pictures with your face in them, right? I know you want to trust the person you’re dating and that’s good but you just never know, better safe than sorry.”

Loki stared at him. “The person that I’m...sorry, wait,  _ what?” _

“You don’t have to tell me anything about them,” Thor said hurriedly, “not until you’re ready. Or never, if you don’t want to. I just want to make sure you’re being careful. Just because they’re giving you lots of presents doesn’t mean they’ll always—”

Loki was  _ laughing. _ Now Thor was the one to stare.

“You think I have a  _ sugar daddy?” _ Loki cackled, his eyes bright. “So close and yet  _ so completely off the mark. _ I told you. I buy my own stuff with my own money, that I earned at my  _ job, _ just like everyone else.”

“But the picture you were taking when I accidentally—uh—” Maybe Thor  _ had  _ misinterpreted.

“Oh my  _ god, _ are we still talking about that?” Despite the exasperation in his voice, Loki seemed to enjoy Thor’s discomfiture. “I’m an adult, I can send dirty photos to whoever I want to! It was none of your business, you shouldn’t have come in without knocking, and if you have a problem with that, it’s just that— _ your _ problem.”

“I don’t have a problem with it!” Thor said, too loudly. Loki seemed pleased by that outburst too, and Thor resolved to stop rising to the bait. “I just want you to be safe. Revenge porn is a thing, okay? That’s all. Excuse  _ me  _ for worrying about my brother.”

Loki’s smile stayed, but his tone softened a fraction, fond but dry. “Trust me, I know what I’m doing, I’m not an idiot or some naive kid. Someone putting racy pictures of me on the internet is not going to be an issue. Thanks for your concern, however misguided and thick-headed it might be.”

That was about the best he was going to get from Loki. At least he could tell himself his message had been heard. “Okay, fine. Good. That was all I wanted to say.”

“Great. Good talk,” Loki said wryly. “Can you get out of my room now?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki's tattoo is inspired by [this lovely piece](https://www.instagram.com/p/BGp-b0pIu3c/), though Loki's is of course much larger.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't know anything about the reality of camming. Pretend, for the sake of entertainment, that this occurs in a universe close to but not identical to our own, and any inaccuracies are actually just the places where the story universe branches off.

Days later, something about the conversation was still bothering Thor.

Loki was right. It was _none of his business._ Why couldn’t he just leave it alone?

He knew why. Loki had always been a good liar, ever since they were kids—because he mostly _didn’t_ lie. He made the truth do tricks, laid the words down just right so that you filled in the blanks yourself and never realized he hadn’t _actually_ said the thing you heard. And once upon a time, Thor had gotten very good at telling when there was something Loki was talking around. He’d sometimes been able to figure out what that thing was, even, seeing the shape of it in the things Loki had avoided saying.

He was out of practice, though, and he couldn’t remember _exactly_ what Loki had said, only his paraphrased impressions. Something about being so close but so far, and—he’d seemed so tense, at first, when Thor had mentioned someone giving him presents, but he’d been laughing by the end of it. And Thor was pretty sure he hadn’t said no one _would_ put racy pictures of him on the internet, or that he definitely hadn’t shown his face—he’d just said it wouldn’t be a _problem,_ which was not the same thing at all.

He was beginning to have a theory, and he didn’t like it at all.

**Friday, January 4, 2019**

 **Thor:** i need your expertise 

**Fandral:** Wine or women? 

**Thor:** you are not a wine expert shut up 

**Thor:** anyway, neither. sex, i guess? sex adjacent 

**Thor:** and no i am not looking for advice so don’t start 

**Thor:** just trying to solve a mystery 

**Fandral:** I am literally shivering with anticipation. I will absolutely be your sexy Sherlock, Watson. 

**Thor:** no you’re watson i’m sherlock 

**Thor:** although obviously you cannot publish this story, never tell anyone about this conversation 

**Thor:** i tried google but i was afraid of what ads it was going to start showing me so i’m trusting your discretion 

**Fandral:** Intriguing. 

**Thor:** so i guess sugar baby is an actual thing people do and not just someone with a rich dude keeping them? 

**Fandral:** I can’t wait to hear the story behind this 

**Fandral:** Yes, sugar babying is a thing. Although they usually use the same line as escorts, they’re trading dates and companionship for gifts/money, no sex involved. 

**Fandral:** Whether that is the truth is left as an exercise to the reader. 

**Thor:** ok is there like. something kind of like that but no gifts just money 

**Fandral:** I assume you would like me to avoid the obvious and not say prostitution. 

**Thor:** if you assume it why couldn’t we just skip to you answering the question 

**Fandral:** We’ve been friends for how long? I will waste a thousand replies if I can mock you. 

**Thor:** you’re getting downgraded to lestrade 

**Fandral:** Camming maybe? If you’re thinking of online-only work. 

**Thor:** what like sexy video chatting 

**Fandral:** Thor 

**Fandral:** Have you ever used the internet? Do you only watch porn from discreetly passed down DVDs? What the fuck century are you living in? 

**Thor:** i just search on pornhub like everyone else fuck off 

**Fandral:** Lord, okay, I hope you use protection 

**Fandral:** Adblockers I mean 

**Fandral:** Anyway yes, grandpa, “sexy video chatting.” Usually not one-on-one though, it’s more like a chatroom with video, performing for tips. Some camgirls will do one-on-ones for big tippers. 

**Fandral:** Now please tell me why this is a mystery and not just a sad indicator of the state of your sex education. 

**Thor:** are there cam boys? 

**Fandral:** Not as many, but yes. I hope you’re not considering a change of career. 

**Fandral:** Not that I’m a connoisseur but I get the impression that camboys tend to be more twink than, hmm 

**Fandral:** Are you still waxing? I don’t know whether you fall into the hunk or bear category right now 

**Fandral:** I mean I’m sure plenty of people would be into it but supposedly it’s hard to make money without a really significant following. 

**Thor:** i hate literally everything you just said to me 

**Thor:** no i have no intentions of selling pictures of my dick to internet strangers 

**Thor:** though i’m starting to feel like you do 

**Fandral:** All images of my dick have been freely given, I would never charge for what should be a gift to the world. 

**Thor:** hate that too 

**Fandral:** You love me.

 **Saturday, January 5, 2019**

 **Fandral:** Wait, what was the mystery?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you all know, I imagine Fandral wearing something like [this](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/fe/1e/06/fe1e06a2eeca8965f5ab6ced8a3eb336.jpg) to be Sexy Sherlock.


	5. Chapter 5

“Leave it alone, Thor” became his mantra over the next few weeks.

He wanted to. _God,_ he wanted to. If someone had shown up Matrix-style and offered him a little blue pill to go back to not knowing anything about anything, he would have taken it. Then again, maybe that was the problem—he didn’t _know,_ not for sure, he only suspected. And he couldn’t stop fretting about it.

He wanted to be wrong. Maybe he really was off the mark, and Loki had just taken that photo for a casual hookup, and the wine involved in Italian dining just made people tip _really_ well at Loki’s job.

But if he wasn’t wrong...fuck. Loki was just a kid. Having that kind of thing on the internet could ruin your life, tank your future job prospects—even put you in physical danger, if someone was _too_ big a fan and managed to find out where you lived. 

Fandral was a good friend, and had sent him links to a few of the more popular cam sites, even though he hadn’t asked, and despite the fact that he still hadn’t responded with any kind of explanation. Not that he would ever tell Fandral the real reason, but he might make something up eventually, if he could think of something that sounded believable. He felt like a bit of a sleaze trawling through the sites, which didn’t really make sense—he wouldn’t be embarrassed looking at porn sites generally, and this was for a good cause, right? But...it still felt wrong, somehow.

A few times he thought he’d found him, his heart jumping into his throat when he’d see a thumbnail of someone with Loki’s approximate build and coloring—but it was always a false alarm. He started to think he had been wrong, that this was all ridiculous—after all, if Loki was making good money from it, he would have to have a pretty large following, right? If Thor hadn’t found him after some dedicated searching, maybe he really wasn’t there. It was hard to prove a negative, but Thor began doubting himself, feeling guilty and dirty-minded for even thinking such a thing.

Two days later, Loki’s tattoo cropped up on Instagram.

He almost scrolled past it. He’d seen it in person, after all, which was better than a photo with a kitschy old-timey filter on it. But then he realized that it wasn’t Loki’s account that had posted it—it was a tattoo art account he’d followed on a whim at some point. That was pretty cool, to have your tattoo featured. Thor was going to click through to the artist, but then he realized that the other account tagged in the picture wasn’t Loki’s either. He looked at the photo again—could it be a copycat design?—but no, he was pretty damn sure that was Loki’s back, Loki’s slightly messy black bun with a few curls escaping above the magpie’s beak.

So who the fuck was @tytrouble?

He clicked through, pulse ratcheting up a few notches.

He hadn’t been wrong.

Ty Trouble was an “adult entertainer,” according to his profile. The site it linked to wasn’t one of the ones Fandral had sent him, but it was easy to guess from the address that it was, indeed, a cam site.

And Ty Trouble was _definitely_ Loki.

The photos weren’t quite indecent—it was Instagram, after all—but they were definitely risqué. No face shots, thank goodness, but there were little things Thor recognized: a leather cuff Loki wore often, the print of his bedspread, the manicure he’d had at Thanksgiving. It was Loki, it had to be, and he should stop looking right now.

But it didn’t look like Loki, not the Loki that lived in his memory. It looked like some scorching-hot stranger, confident and alluring, and _Jesus H. Christ_ Thor should be stoned to death for even having that thought. What the fuck was wrong with him, why was he here looking at this, he should have noped out the second he realized what it was. He should be way more horrified.

He closed the app and shoved his phone in his pocket. He had a paper he should be writing anyway.

~

It was human nature to want to look at things you didn’t want to see, Thor knew that. Train wrecks, horror movies, uncomfortable drama that strangers were hashing out in public places. Curiosity was a curse.

But he’d confirmed that he was right about what Loki was up to—and also, more or less, that Loki was being careful about his identity. Curiosity be damned, he did _not_ need to dig any further. He was never going to get the image of those photos out of his head as it was. They kept playing on a loop in his mind’s eye, driving him to distraction—he was traumatized enough, thank you very much.

Unfortunately, impulse control had never been Thor’s strong suit. He came home late on a Friday night after many _many_ beers with friends, and found himself pulling out his phone once he’d stumbled to bed. What if—what if Loki hadn’t been as careful, on his streams? He had to check. He had to make sure.

He brought up the Ty Trouble Instagram again, his finger hovering over the link in the profile. After a moment he chickened out, scrolling away, but that only brought him down to the many _many_ pictures of ‘Ty’ in lacy lingerie, or tight-fitting briefs with a visible hard-on, or carefully-cropped nudity.

His brother. His _brother._ He should not be looking, should not be scrolling through each photoset with increasing interest. Even if he could divorce the faceless body from the reality of his brother—which was still kind of fucked up—reminding himself, imagining Loki’s face and green, green eyes above Ty’s smooth chest and graceful neck, should discourage him.

It didn’t. 

He scrolled back up and clicked the link.

The thumbnails alone were enough to condemn him to eternal damnation, he was pretty sure. That was his little brother with his cock in hand. Why was he here? What was wrong with him?

A lot of the more recent videos required a paid membership to view. That was a sign, surely, a sign that he should close everything, delete his browser history, and forget this ever happened. But...the older videos were free. And logically, if Loki had been careless, it was more likely to have been when he was first starting out, right? The older videos were when he might have made a mistake. Thor should check.

Thor shouldn’t check, _fuck,_ he knew full well he shouldn’t.

Still, he scrolled down to the bottom. There was one with a more innocuous looking thumbnail—hell, Loki actually appeared to be wearing pants, that was a plus—so he clicked on that one.

Loki had a green mask on, one of the Mardi Gras-styled ones that always reminded Thor of birds, but his gaze was very direct from behind it and his lips beneath it were smirking. He looked straight out at the camera, in challenge or invitation, then reached up to tug the hair tie out of his bun and shake his hair down onto his bare shoulders. Once it was loose, he caught his bottom lip between his teeth, grinning at the camera in a way that clearly said _I know you liked that._

That was the whole video. Nothing pornographic, not even any nudity. Thor should be relieved. He was, probably, but his prevailing emotion was something strange and tender, almost maudlin. He felt...admiring, and _proud,_ which was absurd. His brother was doing unspeakable things on camera for money and here he was feeling proud of how beautiful and self-assured he looked shaking his hair loose.

Thor groaned, rolling over to bury his face in a pillow and drop the phone facedown on the bed beside him. There was something really wrong with him, something he couldn’t blame on the alcohol.

He picked the phone back up, closed the site, and cleared his history. He’d seen for himself that Loki was being careful, even in one of the earliest videos posted, and he never, ever needed to see those videos or think about them again.


	6. Chapter 6

**Tuesday, January 29, 2019**

 **Thor:**  
[](https://i.imgur.com/WTDgOW4.jpg) [](https://i.imgur.com/WTDgOW4.jpg)

**Thor:** look who i saw on campus this morning 

**Loki:** Perfection 

**Loki:** Tell him to raise hell for me 

**Thor:** funny, he told me to tell you the same thing 

**Thor:** at least i think so 

**Thor:** i don’t speak magpie so he might have just been complimenting my hair 

**Loki:** If he didn’t shit on you it was probably friendly, at least 

**Thor:** gtk 

**Wednesday, January 30, 2019**

 **Loki:** So did he have any words of wisdom for me today 

**Thor:** yeah, hang on, he says 

**Thor:** “wheek wheek chrk chrk chrk chrk” 

**Loki:** Brilliant 

**Loki:** A true inspiration 

**Loki:** Maybe you should become the magpie prophet, recording the great words handed down to you by...do we know this magpie’s name 

**Thor:** raven 

**Thor:** it’s ironic 

**Loki:** Of course 

**Loki:** All right, magpie prophet, I’m counting on you to deliver my daily dose of Raven wisdom 

**Thor:** you have now subscribed to raven facts 

**Thor:** reply STOP to STOP 

**Loki:** START 

**Loki:** Subscribe x 2 

**Thursday, January 31, 2019**

**Thor:** today he says “get a second dessert” 

**Loki:** Wow, he’s speaking English already 

**Thor:** no i’m learning magpie 

**Loki:** I thought you were going for a lighter course load this semester 

**Thor:** well, when you find your calling, you just gotta commit 

**Thor:** anyway i think i’m a natural 

**Thor:** you should hear me speak it 

**Loki:** I’m sure that’s a fun time for EVERYONE involved 

**Thor:** 🐦🎵🙉🙉🙉

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The photo used in this chapter is ["magpie"](https://www.flickr.com/photos/69017177@N00/5063132236) by [stebulus](https://www.flickr.com/photos/69017177@N00), and is licensed under [CC BY 2.0](https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/?ref=ccsearch&atype=html).


	7. Chapter 7

There was a little bloom of warmth in Thor’s chest every time Loki responded to one of his texts. Doubly so when Loki texted first.

He could be a better brother. He’d been...disconnected for so long, inattentive, and he hadn’t even noticed Loki growing up. But he could fix it. They could be close again, and he could make up for lost time. Loki seemed willing to let him, continuing the conversation, his responses warmer than they would have been in the past (though he was still his sarcastic self).

And Thor had successfully put Loki’s side hustle out of his mind. He’d been drunk and curious, that was all, and seeing what he’d seen was its own consequence. It was easier not to think about it when he was busy thinking of how shitty a brother he’d been, so he focused on that. Focused on how good it felt to reach out, how rewarding it was when Loki played along with his jokes or sent along a song he thought Thor would like.

Things were going well, he thought.

It was another Friday night, this time in late February, and Thor was out with Bruce and Tony at one of their favorite dives just off campus. Tony had gotten off on a tangent about his current robotics project, and Bruce kept nodding along as if he wasn’t just spouting complete jargony nonsense; Thor was trying to follow, but he’d had a few already and the alcohol didn’t make anything easier.

His phone buzzed, and he glanced at it with some relief. Another text from Loki—a stealth photo of the ridiculously hipster coffee bar he said he’d been dragged to, and about which he’d been complaining to Thor on and off all night. Thor grinned and sent back what he thought was a witty reply, then looked up to find both Tony and Bruce watching him.

Tony wiggled his eyebrows. “Been smiling at that phone an awful lot tonight, Swayze. Something you wanna share with the class?”

“Shut up, it’s nothing like that. Just my brother.” Thor put the phone down, embarrassed.

Tony didn’t say anything, but his expression was full of barely-restrained amusement, and he glanced sidelong at Bruce and made the air quotes motion.

Bruce tucked away a smile too, the traitor. “It really is fine if there’s someone else you’d rather be talking to,” he said mildly. “Tony can keep himself entertained for hours as long as I nod along every now and again, so we’ll be fine if you have to bail.”

Tony made a noise of mock-outrage. “No.  _ No. _ We’re making fun of _ Thor  _ right now, and I’m going to need you to get with the program, Dr. Feelgood.”

“Seriously,” Thor said, stubborn. “It’s just my brother, he’s funny when he starts ranting. Do you want to check my text messages?”

_“Do_ I—” said Tony eagerly, as Bruce was saying “Do _not_ hand Tony your phone, that’s the worst idea—”

Thor’s phone buzzed again. With an effort, he kept himself from looking at the notification. Instead he shoved it in his pocket, maintaining eye contact with Tony the entire time, then finished his drink and ordered another. “Maybe if you want me to stop looking at my phone, you should talk about something more interesting than coding a robot to bring you chips.”

Tony’s response to  _ that, _ fortunately, took them far afield from the topic of Thor’s texting.

It was past two by the time he got back to his apartment. He remembered belatedly to check his phone—he had two messages from Loki. The first made him smile:  _ So many longhaired beardy dudes in here it almost makes me miss you. _ The second, sent about fifteen minutes after the first, should have made him smile too.  _ Ooh, gotta go. A very hot guy with neither beard nor flannel just offered to buy me a cappuccino. Maybe this place isn’t all bad. _

He should have been happy for Loki. Instead something twisted in his stomach; suddenly, all his worries came back, and he found himself thinking of those videos again, all the ones he didn’t watch. He didn’t even know why. They had nothing to do with this, Loki going out on a Friday night like a normal college student and meeting someone attractive, but for some reason it gave Thor the same anxious feeling in his gut. He just—he  _ loved _ his brother, couldn’t live with himself if anything were to ever happen to him.

“Go to bed, Thor,” he told himself out loud. He’d probably had a little too much to drink again, he was getting maudlin. Loki was fine. Loki was maybe going to hit it off with a hot dude in a hipster cafe, and good for him. Thor got undressed, climbed into bed.

He typed  _ good luck _ and then deleted it. Typed  _ be safe _ and deleted that too. Typed  _ text me when you get home _ and hovered over the send icon for a really, really long time before tapping it.

Loki didn’t respond. He probably wasn’t even looking at his phone. Thor set his aside and tried to sleep.

Time stretched. Thor laid still as the better part of an hour ticked by, eyes open in the dark; his mind wouldn’t quiet down. He imagined this mysterious man buying Loki coffee, asking about his interests, asking what he was studying. Would he ask about Loki’s job?

Would Loki tell him, if he did?

Maybe he would. Maybe he’d even send him the link, winking, for Mysterious Coffee Man to peruse later and get ideas. Maybe next time Loki went on camera Mysterious Coffee Man would join him.

Thor tossed and shifted, trying to get comfortable, but his pillow felt like a slab of concrete, the sheets scratchy and too tight around him. He was being ridiculous, he knew he was. Imagining unlikely scenarios that were none of his business to begin with, keeping himself awake worrying about nothing.

Fuck. He reached for his phone, meaning to check the time, but he found himself pulling up the Ty Trouble Instagram. Of course nothing would have happened with Coffee Man, not yet, but it hadn’t occurred to Thor before—did Loki ever perform with a partner? Was anyone else ever on his streams with him?

He had to check. It was a compulsion, now, he  _ needed _ to know. 

He clicked through to the cam site, began scrolling. He made himself look at each thumbnail, scrutinize them for evidence of a second person. They—they weren’t so bad, the images too small to  _ really _ see anything, easy enough to pretend they were of someone else. He just needed to see, just needed to make sure. There were a lot of videos to go through.

After awhile, he realized he wasn’t even looking for a second person anymore. The good news was that he didn’t have to; Loki was pretty definitively working alone. The bad news was he’d stopped looking for a second person, and just started...looking. It was like a compulsion—it was Pandora’s fucking box, and he couldn’t seem to close it now that it had been opened. Even when he’d shoved it to the back of the metaphorical closet for  _ weeks _ and kept from looking at it or even thinking about it,  _ still _ he found himself here again.

He’d reached the bottom of the page. That was it, he could close the window now. Do the whole song-and-dance, delete his history, wallow in guilt, move on and tell himself again that he’d worried for no reason.

He didn’t close the window. He was looking at the thumbnails, worrying his own thumbnail between his teeth.

It was so goddamn late. Alcohol and insomnia and the sheer  _ weirdness _ of the situation left him feeling entirely unreal, as if he were in a space outside of time, as if none of this was actually happening. Maybe that was why he did it.

He couldn’t claim it was an accident. His hand didn’t slip. And it wasn’t like the video of Loki shaking his hair down—no, it was clear even from the tiny preview that nothing so innocent was happening in this one. Thor knew exactly what he was doing.

He had no one but himself to blame when Loki’s voice cut through the dark of his room, a velvet purr addressing his audience.

“Well, well, well. Are you all here for little old me?” A beat, full of Loki’s sharp smile. “Dirty degenerates.”

Thor didn’t turn it off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The author can have a LITTLE cliffhanger. As a treat.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you x10000000 to everyone who's been reading and commenting. You guys feed my heart and fuel the muse.
> 
> A few quick housekeeping notes:
> 
>   * I thought it would be very mean to drop this chapter by itself, especially after the previous one, so I'm posting two today because I love you.
>   * However, that may mean a slight delay in updates over the weekend--I've been keeping a buffer of 2-3 chapters, but this eats up an extra chapter a day early, and I've got life stuff that means I may not be able to write much today or tomorrow.
> 


**Saturday, February 23, 2019** 2:26 AM

 **Thor:** text me when you get home 

9:20 AM

 **Loki:** Sorry, was already asleep when you sent that. I got back to the dorm fine. 

12:17 PM

 **Loki:** Did Raven oversleep or did you? 

**Loki:** Running very late on my magpie prophecies today

2:24 PM

 **Loki:** Got non-hipster guy's phone number last night. His name is Steve. 

**Loki:** He’s an art major, though, so that might be a dealbreaker. 

**Loki:** We're getting pizza next week so we'll see 

3:02 PM

 **Loki:** Oh shit I forgot I said I was going to send you the flyer for that Carven Ravens show 

**Loki:** Emailing it now 

**Loki:** Let me know if you end up going, I think you'll really like their stuff.

4:29 PM

 **Thor:** sorry 

**Thor:** hungover 

**Thor:** talk later

 **Sunday, February 24, 2019** 10:15 AM

 **Loki:** I'm overdue for some magpie motivational slogans

11:31 AM

 **Loki:** Okay, guess that joke has run its course.

 **Monday, February 25, 2019** 12:45 PM

 **Loki:** Thor, how the fuck much did you DRINK? 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, did you want to know what was in the video? >:D

“Well, well, well. Are you all here for little old me? Dirty degenerates.”

It was just Thor, and the darkness, and the irresistible pull of his brother’s voice.

"I know I'm new at this, but you've made me feel pretty damn welcome my last few streams, so I'm going to make myself right at home." Loki leaned in to read something off the screen, then grinned a predatory grin. "Yes,  _ grandmasturbater,  _ you especially. Nice name, by the way. Glad to see you back."

He was wearing a fishnet shirt. It had thumbholes in the sleeves, which should look silly but instead drew attention to his long, graceful fingers, especially when he trailed one of them down his breastbone. As if he were lost in thought, he dragged it idly to one side, circling one pale pink nipple through the net.

Thor’s mouth was completely dry. He should...he should drink some water, he thought foggily, after that many drinks. On the screen, Loki licked his lips.

Thor didn’t move.

“I’ve been thinking about what might be fun to show you this time, and, well, I put those tips from last time to good use and did a little shopping. Want to see what I bought for you all?” Another glance at the screen, and Loki was positively delighted with whatever he saw. “I thought you would. Tell you what, I’ll hold them up and you can vote which one I put on next. But first, why don’t I show you what I’m already wearing?”

He moved back to get into the camera frame, and Thor realized it wasn’t a fishnet shirt. It was a body stocking, covering him from neck to toes and hiding absolutely nothing. He did have shiny black briefs on—opaque ones, thank goodness—which was especially fortunate considering the bodysuit had a cut-out crotch.

_ Nobody wants to know this much about their brother, _ Thor thought frantically, then tried even more frantically to drown out the tiny voice that said:  _ I do. _

Loki winked at the camera, his mask making his eyes even more dramatic than they already were with their long dark lashes. Then he knee-walked forward on the bed again  _ (must be his dorm bed, _ Thor thought without wanting to think it,  _ that room doesn’t look familiar), _ far more gracefully than he had any right to, leaning over to reach for something out of frame.

Thor wanted him.

It was a quick, terrible realization. He wasn’t even sure why that little movement, that stretch, had brought it to light. It was so  _ human, _ such a small unselfconscious thing in among the very conscious movements Loki was making, the image he was very intentionally building; it hit Thor like a goddamn freight train. It wasn’t just Ty Trouble he found alluring, flirting with the camera and showing his best angles. It was Loki. The person behind the persona.

His  _ fucking kid brother. _ Fuck. He hadn’t clicked on these videos to make sure there was no one else in them. Or he had, but as much from jealousy as protectiveness. And as much because he wanted an excuse to look as any other reason.  _ Fuck. _

He didn’t even believe in hell but he was definitely going there.

_ Turn it off. _ He hovered over the back button, but the horrible part of him whispered,  _ might as well see it through. No one knows. _

Thor made a soft, miserable noise and kept watching.

The video was an edited teaser, so it cut through quick clips of Loki showing the options—the winner was apparently something red and strappy. It skipped over Loki getting out of the bodystocking, but then—

He’d laid on his back to get out of the briefs he had on. The only thing visible in the camera frame was legs—long, long legs,  _ fuck, _ and then arms and hands, Loki pointing his toes beautifully as he pushed the briefs up over them and tossed them aside. He spread his legs in a teasing split before pulling the red strappy ones on, and even though nothing past mid-thigh was visible, Thor  _ felt _ the blood rush south in a single great leap.

He was hard already, of course, realized he had been for—fuck, he didn’t know. Maybe since he’d opened the page. Definitely since he’d heard Loki say  _ dirty degenerates _ in that filthy, inviting purr. He was one of those degenerates, the worst of them.

He rolled onto his stomach, burying his face in the pillow with another distressed sound. It didn’t help, of course. At least there was the relief of a little pressure against his dick, without having to put his hand to it, which would have been a bridge too far even in this already fucked-up scenario.

“Good choice. These make me feel  _ very _ sexy,” Loki’s voice went on, and Thor lifted his head from the pillow, unable to help himself. Loki had his back to the camera now, glancing coyly over his shoulder; this was apparently from before the tattoo. Thor hadn’t realized the back panel of the red panties was entirely see-through mesh until now but  _ god,  _ that  _ ass.  _ Loki knew damn well what he was doing—as soon as Thor had that thought, he bent forward, pushing out his butt a little to better display for the camera. Thor groaned out loud, then clapped a hand over his mouth to muffle himself, not that anyone could hear.

The video cut forward again. Now Loki was fully in frame, facing the camera and sprawled out against the pillows. He was playing with one nipple again, no mesh in the way this time; the other hand palming himself through red satin. He didn’t play up moaning and whining—instead, the mic was up high enough to catch his little huffs and hitches of breath, natural and so fucking hot Thor’s hips flexed automatically against the bed. It took a moment to get control of himself, and by the time he had, the video had moved on yet again.

That was Loki, satin panties pushed down his thighs, jerking himself off. That was the long line of Loki’s throat showing where his head tipped back in pleasure. That was Loki’s voice, now making broken little noises that sounded far more like real sex than any of the porn Thor had watched before.

That was  _ Loki. _

And this was Thor, thrusting against the bed like a teenager, trying to get some friction without giving in to the urge to touch himself. As if that mattered. As if being this desperate to get off watching your little brother touch _him_ self was somehow less bad if you didn’t actually jerk off to it.

The video faded out to a little ad blurb—of course, no cumshot, not on a free teaser. The spell was broken—Thor shoved the phone away from him like it was a snake, letting the screen time out on its own.

Once he was in pitch darkness again, he rolled over onto his back, getting one hand on his cock and the other over his mouth to keep himself silent. He squeezed hard with the latter, until his short nails dug into his cheek—his beard would hide the marks, and he deserved them.


	10. Chapter 10

**Wednesday, February 27, 2019** 6:15 PM

 **Val:** hey meet us at salza's drinks are on the big guy 

**Thor:** i still don't get why you call him the big guy 

**Thor:** is it ironic? 

**Val:** no he has like 4 inches on me 

**Thor:** you're like 5'3" everyone has at least 4 inches on you 

**Val:** fuck you im 5 4 

**Val:** anyway the rest of you assholes disappear into the clouds 

**Val:** you get nick names based on what i can see 

**Val:** thats why your name is big bara tiddies in my phone 

**Thor:** i'm weirdly flattered 

**Thor:** ok anyway why is bruce buying drinks? 

**Val:** lost a bet 

**Val:** ask me when you get here i want to explain it in front of him 

**Val:** he does that great exist ref bury mortified look 

**Val:** *exist entity mortified 

**Val:** EXISTENTIALY mortified it says thats not a word fuck you phone 

**Thor:** existentially mortified is bruce's default setting 

**Val:** get heeerrree 

**Thor:** idk if it's a good idea for me to drink rn 

**Thor:** i need to cut back 

**Val:** to keep the big bara tiddies trim 

**Val:** ok come and have pretzels or whatever idgaf 

**Thor:** nah i've been kind of shitty the last few times i drank 

**Thor:** speaking of which you seem like someone who leaves people on read a lot 

**Val:** always yes 

**Val:** its how you establish dominance 

**Thor:** how would you apologize for leaving someone on read for a couple of days for no good reason? 

**Val:** i wouldn't 

**Val:** who do you think i am 

**Val:** ugh ok if i help will you come 

**Thor:** yes if bruce buys me ice cream from the place next door instead 

**Val:** i can make that happen also 

**Val:** fine what was the actual reason you didnt answer 

**Thor:** fuck okay 

**Thor:** i was snooping and found out something i didn't want to know about them 

**Thor:** and got weird about it but i have since realized that's on me 

**Thor:** they didn't do anything wrong 

**Val:** ok so just tell them that 

**Val:** i mean not THAT 

**Val:** tell them you were dealing with something that had nothing to do with them and apologize or whatever 

**Val:** say you got your head out of your ass now and pollyanna is back 

**Val:** theyll probably just think your goldfish died or something 

**Val:** now get ur ass here

  


**Monday, February 25, 2019** 12:45 PM

 **Loki:** Thor, how the fuck much did you DRINK? 

**Wednesday, February 27, 2019** 10:45 PM

 **Thor:** hey 

**Thor:** sorry i was incommunicado 

**Thor:** i should have at least checked back in 

**Thor:** wasn’t anything you did, i just had a kind of shitty weekend 

**Thor:** your regularly scheduled magpie wisdom will resume tomorrow 

**Thor:** assuming you’re not over it now 


	11. Chapter 11

Thor’s phone rang. 

It startled him a little. He’d told himself sternly not to expect a quick response from Loki, and had kept himself from checking the phone obsessively, but it was still in his pocket. Plus, he didn’t get calls that often to begin with, and it was almost eleven.

When he pulled it out, Loki’s name filled the screen, and Thor had a moment of panic.

_ Stop it. It’s just your brother. Pick up the damn phone. _

“Loki? Are you okay?”

“Are  _ you?” _ Loki’s voice sounded...concerned?

“Uh. Yeah, of course.” Thor’s guilt flared. “I know I should have texted back sooner, I wasn’t trying to be an asshole.”

“Thor,” Loki said, with a faint note of exasperation, “I’m not mad about your texting habits, I’m—can you maybe take another look at that conversation and think about why I’d be concerned? You asked me to text you, then said you were hungover and nothing else for three days. I didn’t really think you were punishing me for comparing you to hipsters, I thought something awful happened and you were on some sort of misery-fueled bender.”

“No. Uh, I mean I’m not.” Thor was the worst brother. Objectively the worst, give him the fucking trophy and call it a day. 

“Glad we’ve established that,” Loki said dryly. There was an awkward silence, in which Thor was winding up to make a better apology, find  _ some _ way of explaining himself, before Loki sighed heavily and said, “You wanna talk about it?”

“Not...really,” Thor hazarded, though he knew it was the wrong answer.

“Thank god, I’m not your therapist. But maybe don’t do that to me again, I don’t want people here to start thinking I have emotions.”

“God forbid,” Thor said automatically. Then, because he couldn’t help himself, “Were you giving people that impression?”

Loki’s eyeroll was nearly audible. “No, because I have a reputation to maintain with my peers. Also, I had work, and I make way better tips when I’m not a Debbie fucking Downer.”

Thor’s brain briefly grayed out, presumably in self-defense, because the alternative was picturing how Loki made those tips and he could  _ not _ do that while actually on the phone with him.

When he came back, Loki’s tone had softened a little, and it made something under his breastbone twinge. “Seriously, though. You’re okay? You weren’t drinking all week, were you?” Loki had never been the nurturing type, so this careful handling was definitely requiring an extra effort on his part. Anyway, he was just a kid, he shouldn’t have to be dealing with Thor’s bullshit, even if it had just been normal drama instead of the fucked-up knot Thor had managed to twist himself into.

“No. It was just...a weird weekend. And then it took me a couple of days to pull my head out of my ass.”

Loki snorted, but his tone stayed gentle. “I could go outside and find a bird to ask for wisdom, if you want. I don’t think I’ve seen any magpies around here, but there were a few turkey vultures the other day.”

“I’m good, thanks. I’ll ask Raven tomorrow if I need anything,” Thor joked.

“While you’re getting my daily proverb, I hope. You’re way behind.” Loki paused, and then, sounding as if it was physically painful for him to say the words, “Look, Thor, um. You’re…” An irritated sigh. “You’re a good person, okay? And if, uh, if someone didn’t recognize that, maybe they’re  _ not. _ You deserve to be around people who know that.”

It took Thor a moment to wade through the flash of guilt at  _ you’re a good person _ and make sense of the rest. Loki thought— _oh._ Loki thought he’d been dumped. He opened his mouth to deny it, then realized it was as good an excuse as any, and he didn’t have to confirm it. He could just...let it hang there, and Loki could assume what he wanted. “Um. Thanks. That’s a...nice thing to say.”

“I know, which is why you should never make me say it again.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Thor said, letting himself smile despite the guilt. “I know your secret now, you  _ care _ about me.  _ Sordid. _ I’ll hold this over your head forever.”

“Just try it. No one will ever believe you,” Loki said, smug.

Thor hummed, a sort of non-verbal  _ we’ll see. _ “So how’s the uh—is it Steve?”

“Steve, yes. Remains to be seen. He was very hot, though. We’re getting pizza Friday.”

“He have a last name?” Thor said, trying to sound casual.

“Presumably.” There was a smirk in Loki’s voice. “Why? You trying to google him?”

“Just a light background check. Run him through a few FBI databases. Nothing serious,” Thor teased.

“Why, Thor, is that the sound of caring I hear? Guess it’s not  _ just _ me.” Loki sounded far too pleased. He wouldn’t be, if he knew.

“Just want to make sure you’re safe,” Thor huffed, drawing back a little from the teasing.

Loki didn’t seem to get the memo. If anything, he found it even more amusing. “Should I give you his number so you can send vaguely threatening texts about what might happen if he were to break my heart? Or bring me home past curfew?”

Thor tamped down the urge to admit that the only thing he wanted to text to not-a-hipster Steve was to stay the hell away from his brother. Instead, he tried to turn the teasing around. “Why do I have the feeling that  _ you’d _ be the heartbreaker in any situation involving broken hearts?” And then, to soften it just in case Loki took offense, “But say the word and I’ll send Raven to peck his eyes out.”

Loki didn’t sound offended, just cheerfully demanding, as per usual. “Nope. Raven’s busy being my spiritual guru. If you want someone to be my protector, you’re going to have to do it yourself.” 

“I  _ guess.” _ Thor smiled despite himself. God, if Loki knew—but he’d move heaven and earth to protect Loki, he realized, even from himself. Loki could live in blissful ignorance, and—all jokes aside—Thor would absolutely be his protector, should he need it. “Hey, it’s getting kind of late, and I’ve got class in the morning.”

“Yeah, me too.” Loki paused for a beat—a smile, probably. “Plus you’ve gotta go see Raven first thing. Better get some sleep.”

“Sorry I worried you.”

“Ugh, we’re not talking about that anymore, I told you I have a reputation to maintain. Go to bed.”

“I’m still sorry. Goodnight, Lo.”

Loki sighed softly, the fond kind that said  _ what am I going to do with you. _ “Go to bed,” he said again, and hung up.


	12. Chapter 12

**Thor:** yeah so i think me and val and korg are gonna go 

**Thor:** korg is not picky about music and val doesn’t care as long as it’s in a bar so 

**Loki:** If they’re selling their first album will you snag it for me? 

**Loki:** I didn’t buy it when they came through and they don’t have it up online 

**Thor:** sure 

**Thor:** remind me on the day of so i don't forget 

**Thor:** so what time are you doing pizza tonight? 

**Loki:** In about a half-hour here, I should start getting ready actually 

**Thor:** you never did give me his last name 

**Thor:** i need that for my dossier 

**Loki:** It’s Rogers, but don’t bother. He’s a boyscout. 

**Loki:** I mean literally he is actually a fucking Eagle Scout which I guess is like the Boy Scout version of the Navy SEALS or something 

**Thor:** wow that’s an...interesting thing to brag about 

**Loki:** He wasn’t, he didn’t talk about himself much really 

**Loki:** It’s like his second google result. I do my research too 

**Thor:** whew i was gonna say what a boring asshole 

**Loki:** God can you imagine? I would have walked away mid-sentence 

**Loki:** No he seemed surprisingly unpretentious for an art student in a hipster cafe 

**Loki:** Which is why we’re even doing this 

**Thor:** seems suspicious to me 

**Thor:** i don’t trust it 

**Thor:** text me as soon as you get home 

**Loki:** I said you should be my protector, not my paranoid bulldog 

**Loki:** I’m having dinner in a pizza place in a college town on a Friday night 

**Loki:** With a BOY SCOUT 

**Loki:** The only way I could possibly be safer was if I were doing it on live tv 

**Thor:** .......... 

**Thor:** ok but if you hit it off and go somewhere else after 

**Loki:** Like where, Thor? 

**Thor:** just anywhere less populated 

**Loki:** Such as 

**Loki:** Give me some examples 

**Loki:**  
[](https://i.imgur.com/RxMnYfx.jpg) [](https://i.imgur.com/RxMnYfx.jpg)

**Thor:** like if he wanted to go somewhere quieter to hang out 

**Loki:** Mmhmm 

**Loki:** Much though I am DELIGHTED by torturing you with this, we’re going to have to cut to the chase because I do need to get ready now 

**Loki:** I cannot believe you can warn me about revenge porn but somehow can’t bring yourself to imply that I might go back to his place on a first date 

**Loki:** I promise I won’t get murdered by a Boy Scout 

**Loki:** No promises not to put out on the first date though 

**Thor:** LOKI 

**Thor:** jesus 

**Loki:** But for real, getting ready now. I’d say wish me luck but 

**Loki:** I get the impression our ideas of what would make this a good night are polar opposites 

**Thor:** be safe, be good 

**Loki:** 1\. I will and 2. How dare you, never 


	13. Chapter 13

Thor could have gone out—Tony was  _ always _ doing something, and honestly Bruce was the only one of his friends here who took any persuading to drop everything and go drinking at a moment’s notice. He could have found company easily. But he was in a weird mood, and he didn’t feel like it was fair to put that on anyone else.

Drinks, though, drinks still sounded like a good idea. He wasn’t a big wine drinker, but he had an unopened bottle of something red that Tasha had left a few weeks ago when she was in town, and alcohol he didn’t have to pay for was always a plus. He poured some into a coffee mug—it was clean, and hey, at least he was classy enough not to drink straight from the bottle!—and took mug and bottle both into the living room, making himself comfortable on the couch.

He turned on a suspense thriller series he’d been watching, but for whatever reason it didn’t really hold his attention. He kept missing important plot points. So he switched to a nature show instead, letting the crisp British voice narrating the migration of butterflies become pleasant background noise for his thoughts.

He wondered how Loki was getting on with art-student Steve.

By now they probably would have gotten their food. Had they shared a pizza, or gotten their own? Loki was weird about toppings—his ideal pizza was just green and black olives, as far as the eye could see—but maybe Steve was weird too. Or maybe Loki compromised, willing to swap the green olives for mushrooms or pepperoni, willing to make some sacrifices for a hot Boy Scout.

That still threw Thor a bit. It was hard to imagine Loki getting on with someone like that, clean-cut and upstanding. Then again, maybe that was the point—maybe wanting to tempt someone like that, muss them up a little and pull them down in the dirt,  _ was  _ the appeal.

He poured another mug of wine and pulled up Google on his phone, punched in  _ Steve Rogers. _ Just out of curiosity, of course. 

It was even worse than he’d imagined.

Steve Rogers—presumably the correct one, given he listed his school publicly in a few places—was the most obnoxiously squeaky-clean all-American-looking motherfucker Thor had ever  _ seen. _ Nearly as muscular as Thor, blond, handsome in that whitebread 1950s coffee ad kind of way. Way too many of his results were for things like volunteering and impressive extracurricular activities (apparently he worked for the school paper, among other things).

Thor clicked on his Twitter, expecting some relentless positivity, or maybe motivational workout suggestions. But no, even that wasn’t enough, apparently. It was a mix of his artwork (genuinely good), thoughtful observations, compassionate (though mildly radical) activism, and cute pictures of his dog. Of course he had a huge following, and of course based on his tweets he seemed largely unaware of that fact.

The dude was horrifyingly perfect. The kind of guy any reasonable person would  _ want _ their little brother to go out with. The kind of guy even the most aggressively protective big brother couldn’t object to.

Thor  _ seethed _ with envy. 

He knew he was being unreasonable. He tried more wine, tried to focus on the television where some sort of tropical bird was building a bachelor pad out of seed pods. Neither one helped any. 

The frustration in him bubbled up into anger, at himself, probably—there were certainly no other acceptable targets in this situation. Still, he felt it coloring his thoughts, much though he tried to stop it. Why did Loki have to be so fucking appealing? Why did he have to tease Thor all the time, the mocking back-and-forth banter that made him feel stupidly special? Why did he have to get himself off on camera for the titillation of strangers, flirting with the screen, never knowing who was on the other side of it? He didn’t know or care who might be watching, or what kind of monster he might be waking in them. And if he didn’t care, why should Thor?

Thor knew damn well that was unfair, but he didn’t feel like being  _ fair. _

He felt like pretending, just for a little while, that he had any right to be upset. He felt like pretending that he could turn up in Loki’s town, crash his date, start shit with art-student Steve and that it would be totally justified. He felt like pretending that was what Loki wanted.

Wasn’t that what all Ty Trouble’s fans did? Pretended they were what he wanted?

Thor turned off the show, then threw the remote down on the cushion beside him in frustration. It bounced, catapulting off onto the floor, so he kicked it instead.

He hated this.  _ Hated _ it. He just wanted—he wanted to talk to Loki, hear his voice. Even though he couldn’t have anything, really. He just wanted Loki’s  _ attention,  _ just for a few minutes. He could have that, at least, couldn’t he?

He contemplated his phone, pulling up the texts with Loki. It wasn’t his voice, but he could—he could text to ask how things were going. Maybe Loki would answer.

But then again, maybe Loki  _ wouldn’t  _ answer, and that would make things way worse.

Thor chewed his lip. There was...something else he could do, of course. His anger was giving way now to something far more pathetic, but he still wanted to pretend. Pretend that this wasn’t one-sided, that Loki wasn’t out with someone who probably actually deserved him while Thor sat at home losing his fucking mind.

He took a deep breath. He closed the messaging window, opened the browser. Typed in the URL of Ty Trouble’s cam page, because apparently he knew that without looking now. He scrolled down to the free videos—all he had to do was pick one, and Loki would be there purring sweet nothings, touching himself for the audience—no, for  _ Thor. _

He picked one. Turned the volume up a little, made it fullscreen this time. Propped his phone sideways against the stack of movies on the coffee table, a makeshift stand, so his hands were free. In case...in case he wanted to use them.

“I’m Ty Trouble, for those of you I haven’t met before. I’m excited to see so many of you!” Loki’s grin was almost boyish in this one, playing innocent. “Kinda gets me going, to have that many people watching. Who knows, I might try some new things today.”

The video faded to another shot, and now he was holding up—fuck—a  _ sizeable _ dildo. “I won’t try and convince you this is my first time using one of these—I mean, if you believe that, I’ve got a bridge to sell you,” Loki teased. “But it is my first time using  _ this _ beauty.” He brought it close to the camera, and Thor realized with a sort of horrified fascination that it was shaped like a snake, scales and all. The silicone was black, with shimmering swirls of dark green, and it looked more like a weird art piece than something for internal use.

Oh god. Loki was going to put that thing  _ inside himself, _ and Thor was going to watch him do it. The thought alone was almost enough to make him turn the video off—not because he was ashamed, he’d gone so far past shame at this point, but because he wasn’t sure he could handle it without spontaneously catching fire.

Then Loki brought the dildo up to his mouth, licking over the tip, and any thought of turning the video off was long gone.

“You like that, don’t you?” he smirked, and Thor found himself nodding, which was fucking pathetic. Loki rested the head of it against his chin, humming thoughtfully. “Well, I might keep at it, with the right encouragement.”

The tips presumably came fast and furious, because Loki laughed a sparkling laugh and said, “Oh, wow, you  _ really _ like that.” Then he was turning in profile to give a better view, licking catlike over the individual scales in the design of the shaft, working his way up to tongue just under where the head of the snake mimicked the head of a cock.

Thor put both hands over his mouth to stifle his whine. It didn’t actually work, because immediately afterwards Loki slid a significant portion of the snake into his mouth, and no force on earth could keep him quiet while witnessing that.

The video cut forward, and Thor hissed a curse into his hands before dropping them to reach for the phone. There should have been more of that, why did it have to cut off so soon? He realized halfway through rewinding the video what he was doing and flushed with shame, but he let it play again anyway, eyes glued to Loki’s mouth.

This time when it jumped forward, he let it. In this shot, Loki was sprawled out across the bed, stripped naked now. At first he was just stroking a hand up and down his body, teasing himself and his viewers, but then Thor realized what his  _ other _ hand was doing. He’d flipped the top on a small bottle of lube and was squeezing it, deftly and one-handed, over two fingers. Thor watched in unblinking anticipation as he thumbed the bottle closed again and set it aside, then bent one knee up, exposing himself even more intimately.

Thor could scarcely breathe. He had to look away for a moment as Loki’s fingers teased around his own entrance—it was too much—but then it cut forward to him opening himself up with them, and Thor had to rewind again, regretting missing it. 

He held out as long as he could, but when Loki finally began easing the toy in—the high, soft sound he made as he adjusted to the intrusion—Thor couldn’t bear it anymore. He undid his fly with fumbling fingers, hissing in relief as the pressure on his cock eased and drawing it out to get a hand around it. He spit in his palm and then curled his fist around the head, sliding his grip slowly downwards to mimic the speed at which Loki was pressing in the dildo.

For the first time, he let himself fantasize—not just react to the image, but actually imagine what he wanted to do. As Loki began fucking himself with the toy, Thor fucked his fist, picturing himself above Loki, imagining Loki squirming and panting the way he was on screen, but for  _ him. _ Added begging to the repertoire in his fantasy, too, because why do things halfway?

There were at least two minutes left in the video, and Thor wasn’t going to need even a quarter of that time. He sped up as Loki did, feeling his breath begin to come short. He was close, he was  _ so _ close—

His phone buzzed, so unexpected that he physically startled, the screen momentarily obscured with a text notification.

A text notification from  _ Loki. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actual footage of me posting Chapter 13:  
> 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So just as a warning, I've burned through my buffer, which means updates might be slightly less regular going forward. I'll do my best to keep them going at a reasonable speed, but it might be every few days from here on out instead of daily.

**8:15 PM**

**Loki:** I’m sure you’ll be pleased to know that I am home safe and unmurdered 

**Loki:** As you can probably guess by the time, it went your kind of good and not my kind of good 

**Loki:** Boy scout was just the tip of the iceberg, I think he might be an actual angel 

**Loki:** In addition to being hot, he is also funny, and nice in the “actually a decent person” sense not in the gross “he seems nice I guess” sense 

**Loki:** It’s really incredibly unfair 

Thor had shut the video off immediately, but he hadn’t dared to look at Loki’s texts until he’d taken a moment to tuck himself back into his pants, stepped into the kitchen to splash water on his face and wrists, and steeled himself against whatever it was going to say. He was still hard and aching, but since it didn’t seem like he was going to persuade that to go away any time soon, he’d just have to deal with it.

Reading the texts, he tried to tell himself that it could have been worse. Loki could have done as he’d teased and gone home with the guy. He should be happy—if someone who could apparently be described as ‘an actual angel’ wasn’t good enough to date his brother, then who?

 _Yes, Thor, who?_ he mocked himself, trying to compose an appropriate reply.

**Thor:** so i guess there’s gonna be a second date then 

**Loki:** Fuck no, are you kidding? 

**Loki:** I mean, you would love him 

**Loki:** Honestly if you were here I’d probably be morally obligated to set you up 

**Loki:** And you’d be toasting me at your wedding while I made exaggerated gagging noises about how cute you both were 

**Loki:** But anyway, no spark 

**Loki:** I’m more in the market for someone who’s as much of a mess as me 

**Loki:** Or, failing that, is at least willing to fuck on a first date 

Whatever scant progress he’d made in calming his erection was immediately thrown out the window. Thor got up again, opened the freezer and stuck his head in like they used to in hot summers when they were kids.

It didn’t really help much, but he at least felt capable of mustering the correct response.

**Thor:** please stop making me think about that 

**Loki:** Oh, I’m sorry, let me rephrase 

**Loki:** I would prefer someone with whom I have compatible opinions upon the subject of engaging in physical congress after an initial outing. 

**Loki:** Does that assuage thy tender sensibilities? 

**Thor:** it doth not 

**Thor:** fine, so it’s a no go with the boy scout 

**Thor:** what are you going to do with your friday night home alone? 

**Loki:** I can’t believe you’re asking given how scandalized you just were 

**Loki:** There might not have been a spark, but I did just spend dinner with an extremely hot muscular blond dude who wouldn’t go home with me 

**Loki:** What dost thou think? 😏 

Thor was clearly being punished for his transgression. He needed to take an icy shower—he should probably do that right now, just leave his phone on the kitchen counter, leave that taunt unanswered. He shouldn’t want to continue the conversation.

He definitely shouldn’t wave the one red flag he knew Loki couldn’t help charging after, by letting him see that his teasing was getting a rise out of Thor. That would only encourage him to continue.

**Thor:** WHY 

**Thor:** SERIOUSLY 

**Loki:** I don’t know why you’re so horrified 

**Loki:** Everybody masturbates, Thor. This is a life fact you will need to come to terms with. 

**Thor:** no they don’t 

**Loki:** All right, probably not nuns. And some asexual people. And other edge cases where interest is lacking or moral concerns preclude. 

**Loki:** But in the colloquial sense 

**Loki:** Everybody. 

**Thor:** 🙉 

**Loki:** Anyway, don’t act like you have the high ground here 

**Loki:** Don’t forget, I’ve lived with you 

Thor leaned against the counter, fighting a spike of adrenaline. Had Loki _heard_ him, when they were both living at home? Surely the walls weren’t that thin. And why did it suddenly matter? That was before he was...it wasn’t like he had been thinking about Loki, then. Why did he care if Loki _had_ heard?

**Loki:** Mr. Thirty Minute Showers 

Thor breathed again.

**Thor:** i like to be clean! 

**Loki:** Don’t we all 😉 

**Loki:** I never realized you were this much of a prude 

**Loki:** Does Fandral know? 

**Loki:** I’ll have to tell him he’s been shocking your delicate sensibilities for years and you never said anything 

**Thor:** fuck off that’s different 

**Thor:** fandral isn’t my brother 

**Loki:** Oh, calm down 

**Loki:** It’s not like I was going to give you details 

**Loki:** Unless you’re into that 

**Thor:** you are not funny 

**Loki:** I’m hilarious, actually 

The problem was, of course, that Thor already _knew_ details. It was burned into his brain _exactly_ how Loki liked to touch himself. And the—the things he liked to touch himself _with._ The images rose up again in his mind, Loki in red satin stroking himself and flushed with pleasure, Loki folded up and fucking himself with that sinuous snake of a dildo. He had to get out of this conversation.

And if the rest of his replies were one-handed, Loki never had to know.

**Thor:** well 

**Thor:** i’ll leave you to it 

**Thor:** meanwhile i’m going to watch a horror movie and hope it works as brain bleach 

**Loki:** You are so easy to wind up 

**Loki:** Don’t stay up too late, I have a feeling Raven’s going to have a doozy for me tomorrow 

**Loki:** I wouldn’t want you to miss it 

Thor dropped back down on the couch, still palming himself through his briefs. No chance of a cold shower now, he needed relief. Loki had been joking, of course, but what if he really was planning to rub one out as soon as he was done talking to Thor? He’d be doing that now, kicking back on his bed—the same one in the videos, Thor realized—shucking off the jeans that he always wore too tight, lying back and imagining art-student Steve the exact same way that Thor was currently imagining him.

He knew Loki said all kinds of shit just to get a reaction out of him, but he was going to pretend again, just for a little bit. Pretend that Loki had _actually_ been teasing him, saying provocative things not to gross him out but to turn him on. Pretend that Loki had texted him after his date because he wanted Thor to know, wanted him to be jealous but not too jealous, wanted him to think about Loki thinking about some other big muscled blond.

He scrolled back up and read through the texts again, imagining them in a different tone, his hand busy. He imagined when Loki said _Unless you’re into that,_ he responded with the truth, and Loki told him all the details. They would be the ones he already knew, of course, but they’d be new and exciting because they were for _Thor,_ Loki knowing full well who was on the receiving end of his messages.

That was good—it got him nearly there—but it was staring at the _Don’t we all_ with the stupid little winky face next to it, picturing Loki’s smirk as he said it, that took him over the edge.


	15. Chapter 15

Spring break was somehow both too long  _ and _ too short.

Too long because none of Thor’s friends were around—they either had break on a different week, or weren’t coming home for it. Fandral kept sending him photos from Punta Cana, the ass.

Too short because Loki’s break was the following week, giving them an overlapping weekend. Thor was looking forward to it with a mixture of anticipation and outright dread.

He’d made himself stop watching the Ty Trouble videos two weeks ago. It was already going to be hard enough acting normal—he needed as much mental distance from those videos and what they contained as possible. Thor was deeply disappointed in himself for how  _ difficult _ that had been, how much he’d been tempted to break his resolution—but then again, on the long list of Loki-related reasons he was deeply disappointed in himself, that wasn’t anywhere near the worst.

He could be cool, though. He  _ could.  _ They’d still been texting consistently, and Thor had managed normal fraternal conversation there, so doing it in person was just the slightly more difficult step up from that.

Frigga asked him to ride along to the airport on Friday night. It probably wasn’t the best idea, but how could he say no to his mother, who just wanted some company for the drive? He pretended to hem and haw, then said, “I’ll go along if we can grab Blanco’s for dinner on the way back. I’m craving sopapillas.”

Frigga laughed. “I’m sure Loki will be fine with that, Blanco’s is his favorite.”

Thor knew that perfectly well, but he pretended to be pleasantly surprised, and got in the car.

Loki’s flight was ahead of schedule, so he was already sitting in the concourse near the doors when they pulled up in the pickup lane. He didn’t really need help—he’d only brought a backpack—but Frigga had gotten out of the car to hug him, so Thor got out too, intending to offer him the front seat. 

Loki must have been in a good mood. Not only did he not grumble about hugging their mother in public, he misinterpreted Thor’s getting out of the car and hugged him too. Not a one-armed bro hug, either, a real one. Thor wasn’t about to discourage him, so he pretended that had been his intention all along. “Here, you take shotgun. Wouldn’t want you to get carsick, we’re gonna pick up Blanco’s on the way home.”

Loki’s face lit up. “Hell yes,” he said, then, “Sorry, Mom,” before Frigga could scold him for language. Thor grinned back, unable to help himself, and kept grinning as they all slotted themselves back into the car.

Loki was surprisingly forthcoming when Frigga asked him about his classes on the way home, chatting cheerfully. Odin was out at some kind of seminar for the weekend, so they ate their takeout around the small kitchen table, Loki and Thor playfully arguing over the last sopapilla until Frigga stole it out from under both of them and popped it in her mouth. It felt good,  _ normal.  _ Thor thought maybe he could do this, even if Loki’s smiles kept making his stomach flip, even if Loki seemed to be smiling  _ way _ more than he usually would.

Afterwards, Loki went to take his stuff up to his room, but paused at the top of the stairs. “Oh, hey, c’mere,” he called down to Thor, “I have something for you.”

Thor jogged up the stairs after him, curious. Loki tossed his backpack down on his bed and unzipped it to dig inside. He shoved a few shirts aside, the sleeve of something red, and then—

_ The green mask. _ Loki tossed it on the bed without even glancing at it, looking for something further down in the bag, but Thor couldn’t tear his eyes away. Of course Loki wasn’t worried about him seeing it—he had no reason to think that Thor would recognize it. But why had he even brought it home? Was he planning to film from here? Would he be camming with Thor  _ right there _ in the next room?

“Ha! There you are.” Loki finally grabbed out a plastic shopping bag, and Thor schooled his face as he passed it over.

Inside was a black t-shirt. Thor held it up, and it unrolled to show a white-printed graphic of a magpie holding a scroll, with  _ Magpie Prophet _ under it in stylized lettering. Loki grinned.

“I had to design a logo for one of my classes, so I figured, why not? My friend Vic 3D printed his own t-shirt press, so I got him to make it for me for the cost of the shirt and some cheese fries.”

The shirt looked...a little on the small side, now that Thor was holding it up, but Loki seemed so pleased that he wasn’t about to mention it. “It looks great. But what if people ask me about it and they’re not cleared to receive the sacred wisdom?” he teased.

“Just tell them it’s a band they’ve never heard of.” Loki smirked back. “Try it on? I want to see how it looks.”

“Uh.” Thor glanced down at the size tag. “Well. I don’t want to ruin this, because I love it, but...I’m not actually sure it’s my size.”

Loki rolled his eyes expansively. “Because you wear your shirts like tents. Trust me, it will fit. And probably look way better than how you usually dress yourself.”

Thor still hesitated. It wasn’t like he couldn’t go shirtless in front of Loki—this time of year, he mostly didn’t bother to put a shirt on before noon unless he had somewhere to be—but for some reason taking his shirt off  _ in front _ of Loki felt distinctly different than simply being shirtless  _ around _ him. But that was just Thor making it weird, and so was his hesitation; Loki stood there watching him, clearly waiting, and it would be beyond weird to be shy about it now.

He pulled off his old t-shirt (loose, worn-in, comfortable) and pulled on the new one (surprisingly soft, way too stretchy, embarrassingly tight) as quickly as he could without looking like he was rushing. Loki’s eyebrows went up, and no wonder. He probably looked like an idiot, which was a shame, since he wanted so much to appreciate any gift Loki gave him.

_ “Damn. _ That’s actually really good.” Loki grinned. “Go look at yourself in the mirror. You should definitely wear that out if you’re trying to pick people up. You’re  _ welcome.” _

Thor felt like he was probably being made fun of, but he turned to see himself in the mirror on the back of Loki’s door anyway. He—okay, he did look pretty good, actually. He still  _ felt _ uncomfortable—the shirt wasn’t tight in the bad way, but he was still unused to fabric clinging that close to him—but it didn’t show. With some dark jeans and good boots, he might almost approach the kind of effortless cool Loki managed on the regular.

“Huh,” he said, after a pause.

Loki, interpreting the less-than-definitive noise correctly, grinned wider. “Told you.”

Thor acknowledged with a sheepish smile. “Maybe I should let you pick all my clothes.”

“Fuck no, I’m not giving you that kind of power. Leave some ladies for the rest of the human race.”

Thor couldn’t help but preen at the implied compliment, and Loki rolled his eyes again, throwing a pillow at him. “Okay, get out, your ego’s taking up the whole room now and I can’t breathe.”

Thor laughed and went, but he did pause at the door, looking back over his shoulder. “Thanks. I really do like it.”

Loki’s smile went genuine again for just a moment before he pushed Thor out the door. “You’re welcome.” 

~

Thor listened very hard once they all retired to their own rooms that night, but if Loki was up to anything, he was being very quiet about it.

~

Loki expressed surprise, over lunch on Saturday, that Thor wasn’t out with friends. When Thor explained, Loki pursed his lips in what looked like genuine sympathy. “That sucks,” he said, then, “Me and Darcy are going to see a movie in a little bit. You wanna come?”

Thor did kind of want to, but he also very much did not like the thought that  _ Loki _ was pitying  _ his _ social life. “Nah, I think I’m going to go for a run. Thanks, though.”

“Sure,” Loki said, going back to his sandwich, but his impenetrably neutral expression made Thor wonder if he was giving more away than he meant to.

~

His flight back was at three on Sunday. Frigga was going to drop him off, but she lost track of time and had something in the oven when it was time to leave. Before she could say anything, Loki popped up out of his chair, already reaching for her keys. “I’ll drive him.”

Thor raised his eyebrows, and Loki shrugged at him. “Unless you want to drive. Either way, I’ll come along and bring the car back.”

“You can drive.” He supposed Loki just wanted a chance to get out of the house, or didn’t want to be stuck with the responsibility of dinner. “I get to pick the music though.”

“As long as you don’t play bullshit,” Loki warned as they jogged through the rain to the car.

Thor connected to the Bluetooth as Loki adjusted his seat, then wiggled his eyebrows at him and began blasting the Carven Ravens album. Loki beamed, then pulled out and headed for the highway.

It was nice, the rain drumming steadily on the car roof, blanking out the outside world with gentle white noise. It made Thor feel like it might be possible for him to be a good brother again—he wanted to, so much. “What are you going to do with your week? Hang a lot with Darcy, I assume, but what else?”

“Sleep. Eat lots of Mom’s cooking.” Loki smiled. Thor could look at him more directly when he was driving and couldn’t look back, and he took full advantage of it now. “See if the Dock will take our fake IDs.”

“They absolutely won’t, they’re strict there. Go to Ricky’s, they don’t give a shit.”

Loki made a sound of disgust. “If I wanted to get drunk with a bunch of straight people I would have gone to Cabo for break.”

“As if you could afford to,” Thor said, before it occurred to him that Loki probably  _ could. _ But he shouldn’t know that, so he didn’t correct himself, and Loki didn’t either.

_ “My point is, _ I wanted to go to a gay bar for a reason. I can’t deal with an endless parade of Cassidys, Mikaylas, and Brodys getting spring-break wasted.” Loki shuddered dramatically. His face was endlessly expressive; Thor enjoyed it, even when that expression could best be described as ‘catty.’

“Wish you would have told me sooner. I might have been able to go along and lend you some credibility.” Thor expected a snappy retort, but Loki only pouted a little.

“I would have, if I’d known. I didn’t expect you to have any interest in trying to sneak your little brother into a gay bar on your last night of vacation.” He glanced over his shoulder briefly to change lanes. “I’m not telling Darcy you said that, she’ll be so mad at me for not asking.”

Thor felt obscurely disappointed, though it was silly to. His newfound resolve to be a good brother probably shouldn’t include sneaking Loki into anywhere, and besides, if they succeeded he assumed Loki would be spoiled for choice in the realm of attractive and interested young men. Then he’d be stuck hanging out with Darcy,  _ and _ watching someone flirt with Loki, and that sounded like a night to regret. “Maybe next time. But if you try it anyway, you should let Darcy go through first. She comes across as older, despite everything.”

Loki sighed gustily. “She does, which makes  _ no sense. _ It’s deeply unfair.”

Thor snorted. If Loki wasn’t driving, he would have ruffled his hair. “Count your blessings, you take after Mom. Looking young sucks now but it will be great later on.” Loki huffed again, and Thor reached over to poke his arm. “I mean, I’m going to look like  _ Dad _ when I’m fifty.”

That got a laugh out of Loki. “You’re right. That almost makes me feel sorry for you. Until I remember all of your,” Loki gestured vaguely at him without looking, “you.”

Thor laughed too. “What does  _ that _ mean?! All of my  _ me?” _

“Please. Buff blond golden boy who makes friends with everyone he meets in the first ten minutes? There’s no pity in my heart for you.” Loki glanced over to poke his tongue out briefly.

“Says the dude who goes around looking like a runway model,” Thor teased.

“No photos, please,” Loki said in an affected tone, holding a hand up against imaginary paparazzi. He was smiling, though, and Thor thought he seemed pleased at the compliment.

Thor was swamped by a wave of affection, welling up from somewhere deep, and for a moment it drowned out the little voice saying  _ oh no _ as he realized. Once it receded enough for him to breathe, though, he had to face the realization left behind like seaweed at the tide line.

Was being sexually attracted to your brother better or worse if you were in love with him too?

Whatever the answer, Thor was irrevocably  _ fucked. _


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay! I needed that break but I'm back on it, with a fresh new buffer. 
> 
> As an aside, how many chapters of teasing before I'm allowed to count this as a slow burn? ;) 
> 
> Just kidding. Probably. Shit's gonna get real very soon.

Thor grabbed dinner at one of the airport restaurants. By the time he made it back to the apartment, it was a little before eight, and he was feeling the full gloomy weight of the fact that classes started again in the morning. Adding that to the grim realization of this afternoon made him crave comfort.

Unfortunately, comfort at the moment would have been more time with Loki. Thor texted him a meme he thought he would appreciate, but Loki didn’t respond. He didn’t take it personally—Loki was probably out with Darcy getting his spring break on, not looking at his phone.

Still, that left Thor with nothing to distract him from his melancholy mood. An idle mind was the devil’s workshop, as they say, and he knew before he let himself pick the phone up again that he was going to cave.

The thing was...as hot as the videos were, and as much of a guilty pleasure as they’d become for Thor...Ty Trouble wasn’t Loki. That was to say—he _was,_ of course, but the more Thor watched, the more it became obvious that Ty was a persona, a fictional character that Loki built using his strengths and a haphazard mishmash of truth and fiction. He’d say or imply things Thor knew were outright false—and it made sense, it did, it was always to fit the character (Ty Trouble was, by his own proclamation, a spoiled only child) or else to protect his identity (he’d hinted several times, without outright saying so, that he lived somewhere on the East Coast).

That was fine. Thor didn’t blame him, certainly. And when he was horny, Ty Trouble was more than sufficient. But when he was _lonely…_ well, Ty was a bit of a poor substitute for the real thing.

Still, better a poor substitute than none. Thor pulled up the cam site, already debating on whether to watch one of the videos he hadn’t seen yet, or rewatch one where he knew Loki did as much talking as...other things.

But when the page loaded, the decision was made entirely moot, because— _Loki was streaming live, right now._ And in the thumbnail, he was _wearing Thor’s hoodie._

Thor didn’t know whether this was Loki’s usual time—he’d never let himself check before, and whatever the case, he’d never happened to be looking at the page when Loki was live. Fuck, no wonder he hadn’t seen Thor’s text. Thor couldn’t help himself—the yearning far outweighed any shred of common sense he had left. And sure, it may have been Ty Trouble, but it was Loki playing Ty Trouble, _right now in real time._ He had to.

He tapped the thumbnail.

And, of course, hit a paywall.

It was several minutes after eight now, and it looked like that had been when the stream started. And the thing was, Loki _was_ talkative in these videos overall, but he definitely talked the most in the first several minutes. Which Thor was currently missing. Maybe had already missed.

The urgency of it took away any desire he had to deliberate. He scrambled for his wallet, and probably broke the world record for fastest account creation in the history of the site.

He shifted impatiently in his seat as it processed, but then finally, _finally_ it was loading, and—

There he was. Still wearing Thor’s hoodie, the red and gold one he thought he’d lost last summer. Still talking, it sounded like he was maybe doing some kind of recognition of his regulars.

“Anyway,” Loki concluded, “I’m thinking of doing some sort of fun giveaway for you salacious monsters soon, so stay tuned for _that.”_ He winked at the camera, his Ty face on in full force. “Now then. Some of you have been asking about what I’m wearing, and you’re right, it’s not very much like me, is it?” He pulled the hood up around his mask and let the sleeves flop over his hands, exaggerating even more how large it was on him. It made Thor’s heart ache to see him in it. “Well, there’s a reason for it.”

Loki sat back, pushing the hood down again, and grinned. “We all like to fantasize, don’t we? I hope you’re all fantasizing about _me,_ but I don’t mind if you cheat a little now and then. As long as you come back, of course. So let me tell you a little story, and we can all have a little fantasy together, can’t we?” Fuck, he was really playing it up. Thor searched for glimpses of the reality behind it. Why had he _really_ taken Thor’s hoodie? Was it just an impulse, a last-minute idea for whatever tale he was spinning here?

Loki toyed with the zipper pull, tugging it down just enough to give a glimpse of pale, bare chest. “Those of you who have played with me here before will probably remember Dreamboy.” He leaned in a little and added, as a playful aside, “A recurring but always offscreen character in the Ty Trouble saga. Six-foot and some change, blond, built like a brick shithouse, and given the chance yours truly would climb him like a _tree.”_ He laughed and fanned himself. “Don’t worry, though, my beautiful monsters. I would never leave you for him. Not that it’s happening anyway. We have certain...fundamental incompatibilities, let us say, that mean I’m probably never going to convince him to fuck me. But there’s no law against daydreaming.”

 _Certain fundamental incompatibilities._ Was he still thinking about Steve, a whole month later? He hadn’t said anything about it, but then again, why would he have? He’d been clear that he didn’t want to _date_ Steve, he just wanted to sleep with him. Which was apparently never going to happen. Of course he hadn’t said anything to Thor.

“Anyway, you’ll notice I’m in a different space than usual, because I’m traveling this week. Sadly, Dreamboy is _not_ here with me, and I guess I’m getting a little maudlin without that stunning physique around to appreciate. I’m in withdrawal.” Loki sighed dramatically, like a damsel in distress. “So, yes, as you clever devils have surmised, this is _his_ hoodie.”

Thor stopped breathing entirely.

“He lent it to me and I, uh, conveniently forgot to return it.” Which wasn’t true. Loki tucked his face into his own shoulder, inhaling dramatically. “Still smells like him.” Which couldn’t be true either—the last time Thor had seen it, it had been in the washer, and since the entire household used the same detergent it wouldn’t smell any more like Thor than it did like Loki.

But of course it didn’t. Loki was telling a story, and using the best props he had at hand to illustrate that story. Thor had been so caught up in wanting, just for a moment, that he’d forgotten that. Of course Loki had swiped one of Thor’s hoodies—if he was rhapsodizing about a big, muscular man, then wearing a jacket that dwarfed him certainly sold the bit. It wasn’t about Thor, but it had been a piece of unintentional cruelty, letting him hope.

He couldn’t keep watching. It had done the precise opposite of what he’d hoped—now he felt more viscerally lonely than before, and the thought of watching Loki get off while fantasizing out loud about art-student Steve was too painful to contemplate.

 _This is what you get, you idiot,_ he told himself sternly. Nobody in the entire fucking world would think that “watch his porn videos” was an appropriate solution to “I miss my brother.” He did miss him, though, terribly, even though he’d seen him less than eight hours ago. Loki obviously wasn’t going to text back for awhile; he needed to find some other way to release the pressure.

He wandered blankly through the apartment. It was way too early to go to bed. He could do some cleaning, he supposed. He went into the kitchen, but found himself just standing next to the microwave, staring off into the distance.

Eventually something came into focus. There were a couple of postcards up on the corkboard—unused, ones he’d bought just because he liked the look of them and wanted them for decoration. He contemplated them for a moment, seized with sudden inspiration; then he picked out a weird, drippy watercolor skyline, pulling the pushpin out to take it down.

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d sent real, physical mail that wasn’t either a form he needed to fill out and return or a bill he needed to pay to someone who apparently hadn’t joined the current century. This would be...something else, something special. Maybe not much—Thor never claimed to be a writer, and a postcard didn’t offer much scope for it anyway—but still. A way to say _this picture made me think of you,_ when he really wanted to say _everything makes me think of you._

He’d have to get stamps tomorrow, but he had a break midmorning, so that was fine. He sat down at the table with the postcard and a pen, chewing thoughtfully on the back of it.

 _Hey little brother,_ he wrote, and then focused so hard on what to say next that he forgot to feel miserable for a little while.


	17. Chapter 17

_Hey little brother!_

_Hope you’re not underwater at home. The forecast says rain every day for your break, bad luck there!_

_Anyway, I’m putting off facing tomorrow’s return to classes, and I always think it’s kind of cool to get something real in the mail, so I’m sending you this._

_Thor_

~

**Wednesday, April 3, 2019** 4:07 pm

**Loki:** Well look what turned up in the mailbox today 

**Loki:**  
[](https://i.imgur.com/zvX0bvT.png) [](https://i.imgur.com/zvX0bvT.png)

**Thor:** oh good it made it there 

**Loki:** I love how it simultaneously looks like high art and also like something painted by a five year old 

**Loki:** I’m not being sarcastic I actually do like that about it 

**Loki:** Where did you get it? 

**Thor:** i honestly don’t remember, probably something on campus? 

**Thor:** sometimes there’s craft fair kind of stuff out in warm weather 

**Thor:** it’s been on my corkboard for at least a year 

**Thor:** i just put up stuff i like, who knows where it comes from 

**Loki:** What inspired this postal surprise? 

**Thor:** avoiding my responsibilities lol 

**Thor:** kinda jealous that you’re still off while my break is over 

**Thor:** then again, last week was gorgeous 

**Thor:** no rain until you brought it to town 

**Thor:** so i guess i win 

**Loki:** Until I brought it to town????? 

**Loki:** Excuse you, I’m not the one who used to sit outside in thunderstorms until Mom dragged me inside 

**Loki:** I think YOU brought it 

**Loki:** You called it down right before you left so I couldn’t have any fun without you 

**Thor:** you caught me 

**Thor:** unfortunately i can’t reverse the curse 

**Thor:** guess you’ll just have to swim to the club 

**Loki:** Joke’s on you, my raincoat is cute as hell 

**Loki:** Going to pull all the boys looking stylish as fuck 

**Loki:** Anyway apropos of nothing and for no particular reason 

**Loki:** What’s your address there 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I want to credit the artist of this card, but the truth is I saw it on a year-old advertisement for a DIY postcard workshop and fell in love. You can see the source [here](https://www.dia.org/events/drop-workshop-watercolor-postcards-6) at the Detroit Institute of Arts--I assume the artist was either a staff member or an independent instructor they booked to offer the workshop. Either way, anonymous artist, I love your drippy city and wish I could have a copy!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, hey there!
> 
> Y'all ready? >:D

Until this year, Thor had thought of himself as having—if not  _ perfect _ self-control, then pretty decent, anyway. The ability to moderate himself, at the very least. And he never, in a million years, would have described himself as self-destructive.

Apparently, when it came to Loki, he was wrong on both counts.

It was like a scab he couldn’t stop picking at, even knowing it would bleed. He couldn’t leave it alone and let it heal; he kept going in circles thinking about it, then beating himself up for thinking about it. Why did it even matter? It was just a fantasy—Loki wasn’t even sleeping with the guy, not that it would be any of Thor’s business if he  _ was, _ but he wasn’t. Despite all the very good arguments, though, which he rehashed for himself at length, he couldn’t stop.

He went back and watched the full video a few days later. It wasn’t  _ quite _ as awful as he’d feared—after setting the scene, Loki didn’t spend  _ too _ much time talking about Steve, just the occasional remark of what he was imagining being done to him. That was bad enough, though.

“He could pick me up without breaking a sweat.” Loki had stretched, elegantly, showing off the long lines of his body. “That may not sound like a feat—I know I’m on the lean side—but I’m almost as tall as he is.” He grinned at some of the chat responses. “Oh, you didn’t know? I guess video can be kind of deceiving, yeah. I’m six-two, and as you can see,” he bit his lip and glanced downwards, playing coy, “very proportionate. You can do your own math on my other measurements.”

Thor knew he was being ridiculous, but he felt bitter and sharp.  _ I could pick you up too. I used to, when we were younger. _

That wasn’t the worst of it. Later on, when Loki was laying back, teasing himself with another surprisingly artistic-looking toy, his expression went almost dreamy. “He could break me in half if he wanted to. But he wouldn’t want to—he’d be so, so gentle with me. Treat me like I was precious.” His wistful look seemed far too genuine, lancing Thor through the heart before he turned his Ty Trouble grin on again. “Now, you all know I like it rough, but sometimes even an incorrigible reprobate like me enjoys a little worship.”

It hurt, and it was stupid that it hurt. Thor still watched to the end, trying to pretend it was for him.  _ I would be gentle with you too. I could be so tender it would take your breath away, and then maybe I wouldn’t be the only one feeling like this. _ It didn’t soothe him, not really, but he still got off watching Loki get off—at least with the paid subscription he got to see it this time. Loki was really playing up the fantasy of being with another person: not just fucking himself with the toy but rolling his hips up into it, panting “Please, yes, like  _ that,  _ oh god—” in a way Thor would definitely be hearing in his dreams, so they both came hard. (Or at least, Thor did, and Loki made it look that way.)

Thor felt terrible afterwards, so he cleaned up and went to the gym, blasting music loud enough on his headphones to drown out any especially persistent thoughts that managed to break through the exercise high.

~

Nat was back in town for the weekend, so on Friday she and Thor and Val hit the local arcade for laser tag and DDR. It was a good distraction—he felt like a teenager again, and though it made him miss his high school friends, Sif especially, it still wasn’t the complicated snarl of emotions he’d been struggling with over Loki. They had a few beers afterwards, and that was nice too, if less nostalgic. He offered Nat his couch to crash on if she needed it, but she said she had other arrangements. She didn’t elaborate, and Thor didn’t ask. Natasha was like that, full of secrets. Like Loki, in a way. 

Ugh, and there it was again. Thor supposed it had been inevitable that his mind would loop back around to its favorite resting place.

Val had already gotten into her Uber, but he and Nat were sober enough to drive, walking together since they’d parked in the same direction. She squinted up at him, not as if she were figuring something out, but as if she already had.

“You’re going through something, huh.”

Natasha was dangerously perceptive, but at the same time—she didn’t push, she didn’t pry. She might know things about you, but she wasn’t going to make you talk about them, if you didn’t want to. Honestly, most of the time letting you know she knew was only a courtesy; she was saying it for Thor’s benefit, he was aware, and not her own curiosity.

“Yeah, kinda,” he sighed, and she nodded in something like solidarity.

“New territory for you, I bet.” She looked away from him again, taking the pressure off further. “You don’t strike me as someone with a lot of experience beating themselves up.”

“Thanks? I think?” 

She huffed softly, not quite a laugh. “It doesn’t help. Speaking as an expert.” 

“I want to see that degree.”

She put an elbow into his side—or really, just above his hip, since he was a foot taller. “You really don’t. It’s written in blood.”

Thor smiled a little. “So in your expert opinion, I need to forgive myself before I can hope to become a better person?”

She raised a sharply penciled eyebrow at him. “Does that sound like me? I said it doesn’t  _ help. _ If you feel guilty about something you did, or something you are—sometimes you have to sit in that for a while, face it head-on. But beating yourself up isn’t facing it.” Her smile softened things a little. “I don’t have any advice for being a good person. I don’t really know if that’s even a thing that’s possible. I’m just saying, wallowing in a pool of  _ I’m the worst _ is self-indulgent and really unproductive. You’ve probably got papers to be writing or something.”

Thor laughed. “You’re a good friend.”

“I know,” Nat said, her smile small and smug.

“And you give good advice. I probably owe you for all the times you’ve kept me from doing something stupid.” Thor got out his keys as they came to his car. “Should I get you an advice gift? What would you like? Oh, I know, I’m going to buy you a knife.”

She laughed. “I already have a knife.”

“Fine, a  _ really good _ knife. With all the bells and whistles. I don’t know, whatever makes knives better.”

Nat crossed her arms, clearly amused. “If you want. None of that mall ninja crap, though.” She jerked her head in the direction they’d been heading. “I’m a block down that way. See you at Salza’s tomorrow?”

“Sure. You want me to drop you at your car?”

She smiled with teeth this time. “Nah, I’m good. I’ve got a knife.”

~

Natasha’s advice honestly  _ had  _ helped him in the past. He wasn’t...entirely sure how to follow this piece, though. It was a short drive back to the apartment, but he rolled it over in his mind as he drove anyway. 

The thing was—he hadn’t even really been beating himself up over feeling how he felt about Loki, not for awhile. Truthfully, as shameful as that was, it didn’t feel like something he could stop or control. All he could control was what he did about it—and he had been, trying to be a better brother, even if he wasn’t perfect at it. 

The jealousy, though, and the anger and despair that came with it, that felt like something he  _ should _ be able to control. It wasn’t logical. He had no right to be jealous, and even if he’d had the right, he was jealous over something that wasn’t even real. Natasha had told him to sit with that. How?

By just...feeling those feelings, he supposed. Not trying to argue them out of existence, then getting angrier with himself when it didn’t work. Maybe if he just...gave them free reign for awhile, it would eventually hurt less. Maybe the goal wasn’t to get rid of them, but to get used to them, and be able to act rationally even when he didn’t  _ feel _ rational.

Okay. Okay, he could try that. Other than drinks at Salza’s tomorrow night, he didn’t have much going on this weekend. Maybe he could do some homebrewed exposure therapy. Not wallowing, just...existing in that space, acknowledging what the videos made him feel without putting moral values on those feelings.

He thought about rewatching the video from Sunday. There was probably still plenty to feel about it, but—maybe he shouldn’t start there. Maybe he needed to start at the beginning. Loki had said he’d talked about Steve on the stream before. Maybe Thor needed to confront that head-on, hear all the things Loki had to say about him, and then let himself feel what he was going to feel about all of it.

Well, he knew exactly when they’d met, so the beginning shouldn’t be too hard to find. He’d just start from the first video after Steve had come on the scene, and if Loki wasn’t talking fantasies in that one, he’d skip forward until he did. It probably wouldn’t even take that long—it looked like Loki did one stream a week, generally, though he’d sometimes put up shorter clips in between, so a little over a month’s worth wasn’t that much to go through.

Sure enough, there was a video from February 24—Sunday, the day after he’d met Steve at the hipster coffeehouse. Tuesdays seemed to be his usual nights to stream, but there was one from that day as well—so he’d done two that week. Thor had a pretty good guess why.

He took a few deep, grounding breaths. Then he opened the video. 

“Surprised to see me? Don’t worry, I’ll be here at the usual time Tuesday too, this is just a special little bonus.” Loki was done up in this one, a little goth almost, heavy dark eyeliner rimming his eyes beneath the mask, a choker that looked almost like a collar around his throat. “I’m assuming those of you who are here saw the post on Instagram—and that, my depraved darlings, is why you should keep following me there. Everyone else is missing out.”

He sat back, making a movement that was probably crossing his legs, and smirked coolly at the camera. “Oh, you want to know what prompted this little treat? I’ll tell you, but only because you asked  _ so  _ nicely.”

Here it came. Thor braced himself.

“Well, you’re all my beloved regulars, so I know you’ll remember Dreamboy.” 

Thor frowned. Remember him? Already?

Loki nodded at something in the chat. “That’s right. We’ve been texting a lot lately, and although it’s still never going to happen, you know I love to dream. But.  _ But.”  _ He paused for dramatic effect, looking directly into the camera.  _ “This _ asshole. Told me to text him when I got home safe on Friday night, then when I did, left me on read for  _ an entire day. _ And when he  _ did _ text me back, do you know what he said?” Loki brought his phone up to read from it directly, enunciating each word sharply, in a theatrically unamused tone.  _ “Sorry.”  _ Pause. “Hung  _ over.”  _ Pause. “Talk  _ later.” _ Loki looked dead into the camera again. “And nothing since. That was at 4:30 yesterday afternoon, for the record.”

The blood was roaring in Thor’s ears. That didn’t make any sense—Loki had only just met Steve then—and that was the weekend he’d—

Heart pounding, he paused the video, and brought up his text messages. Scrolled up to see his own words, the only ones he’d sent Loki for four days, on February 24:  _ sorry, hung over, talk later. _

He went back to the video. He couldn’t breathe.

Loki apparently found some of the chat responses very, very funny. “No, you’re totally right,” he said, scooting back on the bed and rolling over onto his stomach to show off his butt in tight black briefs, turning his head to give the camera a sultry look over his shoulder. “Would you leave this ass on read? I don’t  _ think _ so. And his loss is your gain, because I feel like getting  _ absolutely wild _ tonight.” He posed and preened for a moment, then came back, reading more responses, one of which made him actually laugh out loud. “Where did I  _ meet _ him? I can’t actually remember that far back, I’ve known him forever. Our parents are close. So no, unfortunately, I can’t just send him back. But it’s fine, I have you all to comfort me, and we’re about to get,” he licked his lips,  _ “very _ comfortable.”

Thor paused the video again. After a long moment, he flopped back onto the bed, staring wide-eyed and unseeing at the ceiling for awhile. And then, fuck, he started to laugh, because— _ what else could he do? _

Thank goodness no one else could see him right now. It was probably creepy, the laughter bubbling up out of him, slightly hysterical and not exactly voluntary. But it was  _ funny, _ in a horrible way. When Natasha advised him to get comfortable with his worst self, neither of them had had any  _ clue _ what that would end up meaning. He’d been expecting to somehow find zen and release his jealousy, and instead he was just—jealous of his own idiot self. And Loki, pouty as a toddler, because Thor had been too busy beating himself up over watching Loki’s videos to text him back.  _ Christ. _

He couldn’t think about—about the rest of what it meant, not yet. When he edged too close to it, his whole chest ached, and it wasn’t necessarily a bad ache but it was too much to bear, his body too tender to weather it just yet.

He had all weekend. He’d watch the rest tomorrow, maybe, in small doses so he could take it all in. Let himself feel his feelings, as it were, though that meant something rather different now than he’d expected it to half an hour ago.

But for now, he needed a little time to sit with them. He went back to the text window, scrolling down to the bottom again, and typed:  _ hey, kid. how was spring break? _


	19. Chapter 19

_Thor,_

_Went to the art museum with Darcy today—there was an exhibit about Burning Man she wanted to see. Found this in the gift shop and I thought you’d like something to replace the drippy city on your corkboard. Stormy enough for you?_

_Break’s almost over. Can we have one day of sun?_

_xoxo,  
Loki_

**Tuesday, April 9, 2019** 5:11 PM

**Thor:** you know 

**Thor:** some people send their loved ones a ray of sunshine 

**Thor:** instead of a thunderstorm 

**Loki:** Well, some people aren’t related to Thor “doesn’t have the sense to come in out of the rain” Odinson 

**Loki:** I take it you got the postcard then 

**Thor:** jokes aside, i love it 

**Thor:** it’s got pride of place on the corkboard 

**Loki:** Obviously 

**Loki:** That’s why I picked it 

**Loki:** I know you better than you think 

**Thor:** is that so? 

**Thor:** ok, what am i thinking 

**Loki:** You’re thinking how clever, talented, and charming your brother is 

**Loki:** And how he has great taste in postcards 

**Thor:** fuck 

**Thor:** how do you do it 

**Loki:** See above, re: clever and talented 

**Thor:** and humble too 

**Loki:** Obviously 

**Thor:** what are you up to tonight? 

**Thor:** anything fun? 

**Loki:** Thor it’s Tuesday 

**Loki:** Not everyone is a party animal like you 

**Thor:** so that’s a no on the fun then? 

**Loki:** I have homework 

**Loki:** Why, am I missing something exciting? 

**Thor:** just making conversation 

**Loki:** … 

**Loki:** Fine, I’ll bite. What are YOU doing tonight, then? 

**Thor:** i’m glad you asked! 

**Thor:** a very handsome man is buying me dinner 

**Loki:** Congrats? 

**Loki:** No I take that back, I have a strong feeling there’s a punchline coming 

**Thor:** it’s me, i am the handsome man 

**Loki:** Oh my GOD 

**Loki:** I can’t believe everyone thinks you’re a jock 

**Loki:** When you are in fact a HUGE FUCKING NERD 

**Loki:** Get out of my texts, I’m way too cool to talk to you 

**Thor:** you love me 

**Thor:** also send me your school address raven has something for you 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The art on Loki's postcard is “December Storm” by Charles Burchfield. Burchfield was a less-known contemporary of Edward Hopper, the artist best known for "Nighthawks."
> 
> The exhibit he mentions Darcy wanting to see is a real exhibit: [No Spectators: The Art of Burning Man](https://americanart.si.edu/exhibitions/burning-man). It hasn't actually gone to a location near Thor and Loki's fictional hometown, but as usual, artistic license is mine.


	20. Chapter 20

Thor was tired. No, scratch that, Thor was  _ exhausted. _

The last week or so had been an emotional rollercoaster, or more accurately, one of those slingshot rides that made people pass out from the sheer G-force as it yanked them back and forth. Yearning, to jealousy, to anger and despair, then shock,  _ shock, _ and joy, and frankly a little bit of terror. He’d had a few days to process (and to rewatch certain videos, obsessively). Now he was slowly sliding into a sort of...emotional fatigue.

It was just. He of all people knew that just because you had a fantasy about something didn’t always mean you wanted to enact it in real life. It was possible that Loki wanted to cross that line, but it was also entirely possible he was just daydreaming, never expecting that Thor would actually  _ know. _ And even if he did want to...Thor wasn’t sure they  _ should. _ That kind of thing could fuck up both their lives if it ever came out, and even if it didn’t, it would certainly make things a hell of a lot more complicated. Thor was willing to risk it for himself, but—it was hard not to think of Loki as his kid brother, even after all this. Shouldn’t Thor protect him?

He should talk to Loki about it. Lay all his cards on the table, find out whether it was even something he truly wanted or just something to keep in the realm of fantasy.

Then again—if he wanted to protect Loki from the potential consequences, wouldn’t it be kinder for him never to find out it was reciprocated at all? If he wanted it like Thor wanted it, maybe it would be better for him just to believe it was one-sided. Eventually he’d get past it and move on. That was better, wasn’t it? That was healthier for Loki. And that was what you did for someone if you cared about them, right? Put taking care of them ahead of your own wants?

Thor put his face in his hands, rubbing his brow and temples to try and discourage the oncoming headache. He didn’t know. He’d have to think about it later, when he wasn’t completely running on empty. And anyway, there was no rush—if he  _ did _ decide to talk to Loki, it was only going to be face-to-face. That wasn’t the sort of conversation you wanted there to be any record of, whatever the outcome.

~

There were nice things to distract himself with, though.

Thor wasn’t sure why it had never occurred to him to send Loki a care package before. Frigga sent them each one a few weeks into every school year, and sometimes another before midterms if work wasn’t running her ragged. He’d always been thinking about the joy of receiving them before, he supposed, and hadn’t realized how much fun it could be putting them together: thinking about what little surprises to include, what might make Loki smile.

Some things were easy. A giant bag of Swedish Fish, and one of Twizzlers; mechanical pencils, which Loki had always liked better than traditional ones. Other ideas bubbled up more slowly: a pack of sparklers now that the weather was warmer. A gift card for Insomnia Cookies, just enough to get a Super 6 delivered. A journal Thor spotted at the campus bookstore, with a moody, surreal black and white photo of a woman with a candle for a head (extremely weird and perfectly Loki). There was no rush; he was waiting on his friend Eitri for the last piece, so he added things as they occurred to him, saving a little space for that last item.

Eitri had been in Thor’s program for the first two years, but he’d dropped out last spring to pursue his real dream of being a silversmith. It sounded avant-garde and Bohemian, but Eitri was a strangely serious guy who dressed more like a construction worker than an artist and had gone into the whole thing with a multi-year business plan, so he seemed to be doing pretty well for himself. He’d been happy to hear from Thor, and even happier to hear that Thor was calling about a paid commission.

Thor picked it up from him in late April, and it was  _ perfect. _ A simple silver helix hoop, with a charm hanging down: the silhouette of a magpie perched inside a circle. The magpie feather patterns had been stamped in and the whole thing antiqued so that the low places were dark and the high places seemed brighter in relief. Despite the complexity, it was very small and quite delicate, only about a half-inch total from the top of the circle to the bottom of the bird’s tail. 

Imagining Loki’s reaction when he saw it made Thor’s heart beat a little out of rhythm.

He folded a little note inside the nice box Eitri had put it in:  _ A little something shiny from your favorite magpie. Love, Raven. _ Then he put the box in with the rest of the surprises, padded the whole thing carefully, stuck the card he’d written on top, and sealed it up to be mailed.

~

Even with a lot more time to think, Thor still hadn’t really come to any conclusions. Or rather—he kept coming to the same conclusion, but his heart wasn’t willing to accept it.

He shouldn’t, he  _ knew _ he shouldn’t. Beyond the initial danger, there was also—hell, who made good romantic choices at nineteen? Even if Loki wanted to, and they ignored all the other issues—it was a lot, asking a kid who couldn’t even drink yet to commit to something that could not only ruin both of them if they were discovered, but could also burn down their entire family dynamic if they ever broke up.

So that should have been that. End, done, the obvious answer.

It was just...sometimes, Thor would imagine some small intimacy—like sitting on the couch with Loki slouched against him and tucked under his arm—and be so overcome he had to sit down. Like, okay, maybe if it had just been about the sexual attraction, he could go on surreptitiously watching Loki’s videos until he got over it or Loki made a career change. But more and more, even his sexual fantasies involved—holding Loki, kissing him sweetly, whispering how loved he was and hearing the same back in return.

He wasn’t sure if he was strong enough to keep it to himself, even knowing it was the right choice. And he’d always been an optimist—the reasonable part of him, counseling  _ what if someone finds out  _ and  _ what if it doesn’t work out _ was always shadowed by another voice saying,  _ but what if they don’t? and what if it does? _

And then he’d go over the whole thing again in his mind, and come to the exact same conclusions, and go on refusing to accept them. 

It was a conundrum. At least, fortunately, not an urgent one—and in the meantime, he could indulge in a variety of mostly harmless flirtations via text. Well, he supposed his texts with Loki had had a flirty tone for some time, but at least now he was doing it on purpose. And, more importantly,  _ Loki  _ probably was too.

He liked to tease him on Tuesdays especially, knowing full well Loki had somewhere to be; he’d keep their banter going until Loki had to excuse himself or be late for his streams, but Loki kept letting him do it, so he didn’t feel too bad. “Doing homework” was Loki’s usual excuse, although sometimes he would playfully blame something Thor had said and pretend to storm off.

_ I’m beginning to think you have a new boyfriend named Homework, _ Thor teased him once.

_ If so, he’s got a medical condition, because he keeps getting harder every week, _ Loki responded, and then an eyeroll emoji and  _ Now fuck off and stop interrupting my education. _

Thor sent back his usual refrain:  _ whatever, you love me. _

Once Loki had finally stopped responding (Thor imagined him getting dressed—or undressed, as the case might be—and setting up the camera, preparing everything for the stream while still firing off a last few furious texts), Thor would settle in and pull up Ty Trouble’s page, waiting for the little icon to pop up that meant he was live. It was a routine he was beginning to enjoy all too much.

To his mild disappointment, Loki didn’t actually talk about him all that much in his videos. He supposed it made sense. Even if some of Ty’s fans enjoyed the fantasies, some of them probably felt a lot like Thor had when he’d thought they were about Steve. Thor didn’t like to think too hard about it, but presumably the majority of Ty’s regulars were there to fantasize about fucking him, to enjoy watching him do filthy things for their gratification, and not to hear about Ty wanting it from someone else.

Still, he could always hope. Sometimes he got lucky.

“Wishful thinking’s a hell of a thing, isn’t it?” Loki mused. He was eating a peach, which Thor thought was an inspired touch, riveted as he licked up the juice that had run down his wrist. “You lose your entire ability to read cues. Swing back and forth between  _ he wants me _ and  _ he wants me not _ faster than you can blink.” He did this thing whenever he took a bite, pursing his lips and sucking as he drew back, that had Thor stiff and standing at attention already. “Sometimes I like to imagine what it would be like if he joined me on here—and trust me, you all would  _ really _ like that show. Sometimes,” he said slowly, sucking juice off his thumb and gazing what felt like  _ directly at Thor, _ “I wonder if he’s already watching this one, just waiting for his invitation to join in.”

It was just theatrics, of course it was, but Thor’s heart hammered in his chest.

Loki finished the peach and tossed the pit offscreen, somehow even managing to make wiping his face and hand with a wet towel look sexy. “I even have a little something for him, if he ever does want to join me in front of the camera.” He reached offscreen again—Thor was expecting something sexual, a toy or a pair of handcuffs or something performative like that, but instead what he held up was a red mask, complementary but not identical to his green one. “So we can match,” Loki smirked, then smacked a wet kiss to the mask’s forehead before winking and setting it aside.

Thor sort of wished he  _ could _ tell Loki he’d been watching his videos, if only so he could give him shit about how  _ absolutely fucking over the top _ this particular performance was. Then again, the whole scenario had done nothing to discourage his erection—the opposite, in fact—so he guessed Loki would have had the last laugh.

He let himself imagine it, as Loki went on mugging and flirting with the camera. Putting on the mask—in the fantasy, he wasn’t concerned with how he’d actually  _ gotten _ it, or the fact that Loki was several states away—and coming in to join him. And in the fantasy, Loki wasn’t just being theatrical—he was  _ waiting, _ excited and impatient when Thor came to him, already naked and tearing Thor’s clothes off as soon as he got close enough. Thor picked him up from the bed as if he weighed nothing, pressed him against the wall and kissed him senseless—they didn’t talk, didn’t  _ need _ to, because there was a wordless understanding between them, Loki clawing at his back and biting at his lips until Thor gave in and pushed into him, holding him there against the wall as he fucked him slow and relentless. 

On the video, Loki had moved on to fingering himself now, and the quiet breathless noises he was making were  _ very _ good fuel for the fantasy. Thor imagined carrying Loki back to the bed, still inside him, sitting down with Loki in his lap—Loki pushing him down onto his back, riding him with sinuous grace and every bit of teasing wickedness Ty Trouble had ever mustered. He took himself through it, trying to pace himself with Loki on the video, mentally changing positions and spending a little time on the logistics of getting there whenever he felt like he was too close to coming.

When Loki had gotten enough tips to let himself go over the edge (now that he was watching the livestreams, Thor had a slightly better understanding of how the tip goals worked), Thor let himself go over too, coming hard on the imagined scene of Loki folded double beneath him and gasping his name. The whole thing was a very, very good fantasy; he’d have to recycle that one for another time.

Of course, after the orgasm inevitably came the yearning to have Loki  _ here,  _ to wrap him up in his arms and bury his face in Loki’s hair, to fall asleep curled up together. It was embarrassing how desperately he wanted it—if anything could be more embarrassing than the fact that he was fantasizing about Loki in the first place, he supposed.

He sighed, cleaning himself up, then curled up around his phone. He had it  _ bad. _

It was too early to go to bed, so instead, he began thinking about what wisdom Raven should deliver tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The photo on the cover of the journal in Loki's care package is [Once a Catholic](https://imgur.com/BhTKQNQ), by [Dominic Rouse](https://www.bandwmag.com/articles/dominic-rouse-telling-truthful-lies). As far as I know there aren’t any blank journals with this on the cover in the real world, but I really liked the photo and so would Loki, so I took artistic license.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for all the love--it really does keep me going!
> 
> ETA: We're having some major internet issues at Casa de Pumpkin. It took me quite awhile to get this to post, and since I can't write/edit/format chapters very well on my phone, tomorrow's chapter might be delayed even if it's fixed by then. My sincere apologies and I'll be back with you as soon as possible!

_ Loki, _

_ I miss you! You’re probably in studying-for-finals hell, but don’t forget to take a break now and then. I sent you some sugar to keep your energy up, and some other fun surprises to keep your stress down. _

_ Here’s some other thoughts to get you through: _

_ -Did you know there’s a farm like twenty minutes away from Mom and Dad’s with fainting goats? We can go visit this summer if you want. _

_ -Baby puffins are called pufflings. PUFFLINGS. _

_ -Also, Dad says he found the old snow cone maker in the garage and got it cleaned up, so we can make snow cones all summer. I’ve been looking at all the syrup flavors on Amazon, I’ve narrowed it down to five must-haves. Let me know what yours are and we’ll get them all. _

_ -Baby elephants suck on their trunks like baby humans suck their thumbs. This is extremely cute and you should look it up on Youtube. _

_ -Budgie yawns are contagious like human yawns. Only budgies though, not other types of birds? Wild. _

_ Anyway, I know you’re going to do great, and I’m too far away for you to throw something at me for saying I’m proud of you, so I’m saying it. _

_ Love, _ __  
_ Your favorite brother _ _  
_ _ (& Raven)_

**Monday, May 13, 2019** 2:24 PM

**Loki:** Thor 

**Loki:** Thor holy shit 

**Loki:** I thought you forgot you said you were going to send something but apparently you were just building anticipation 

**Loki:**  
[](https://i.imgur.com/x8tAxI1.png)

[](https://i.imgur.com/x8tAxI1.png)

**Loki:** Where did you find this?????? 

**Thor:** a little bird gave it to me 😉 

**Loki:** Tell Raven I love him 

**Loki:** And I love this shiny object 

**Thor:** i’ll pass the message along 

**Loki:** No seriously though 

**Loki:** You’re going to make people think I have emotions again 

**Thor:** unacceptable! 

**Loki:** Extremely 

**Thor:** is hungry an acceptable emotion 

**Loki:** Hungry is not an emotion 

**Thor:** says you 

**Thor:** anyway how much of the swedish fish bag is left 

**Loki:** I JUST opened the box, Thor 

**Thor:** answer the question 

**Loki:** I may have consumed some percentage 

**Loki:** A very reasonable percentage 

**Thor:** 75%? 

**Loki:** NO 

**Thor:** 50% 

**Loki:** I’m pretty sure I’d be sick if I ate that many 

**Thor:** 25% 

**Loki:** Anyway 

**Thor:** ha! I knew it 

**Loki:** You sent it to me to eat, obviously I’m going to eat them! 

**Thor:** i am delighted you’re using them for their intended purpose 

**Loki:** Bite me 

**Thor:**  
[](https://i.imgur.com/zlTqgIB.jpg) [](https://i.imgur.com/zlTqgIB.jpg)

**Loki:** Honestly that’s so cute you’re forgiven 

**Loki:** You really want to go see the fainting goats this summer? 

**Thor:** yes!!! are you kidding? of course i do 

**Loki:** I was thinking we could maybe go to some shows too 

**Loki:** There are a few local bands I think you’d like if you heard them live 

**Thor:** sounds fun 

**Thor:** my finals aren’t till the 27th but now i’ve got something to look forward to too 

**Loki:** As if being in my awe-inspiring presence wasn’t enough 

**Thor:** but goats tho 

**Loki:** I’m worth at least five goats 

**Thor:** don’t sell yourself short, i’d say seven 

**Thor:** now get back to studying, seven-goats 

**Loki:** 🙄 Yes sir, I’ll get right on that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The greeting card design in this chapter is by Tickle and Smash. I don't think AO3 allows linking to shops (for good reason), but I wanted to make sure and credit.


	22. Chapter 22

_ Thor, _

_ Your turn. I had to hurry a little to return the favor in time for your finals, so it’s maybe not quite as curated as yours, but I hope it makes you smile anyway. _

_ Who am I kidding, you’d smile if I sent you two nickels and a piece of caramel popcorn. _

_ Anyway, sugar for brain fuel, as is traditional. Some tunes—Side A is for studying and Side B is for taking a break and de-stressing. Other various study aids, because I know you need all the help you can get. And a little something in theme for your end-of-term celebrations, because you have no flair for aesthetics and I’m sure you were just going to roll up to that party in whatever you normally wear. _

_ You’ll get through it. Just remember, there’s goats and your birthday on the other side. Also, boozy snow cones if you’ll buy the vodka. _

_ xoxo, _ _  
_ _ Lo _

~

When Thor got home on a Tuesday evening, the week before finals, there was a slip in the mailbox saying he had a package. He stopped by the leasing office to pick it up, prickling with excitement even before he saw the return address. He knew perfectly well who it was going to be from, and he took the stairs two at a time in anticipation.

He sliced open the tape and opened the card on top, grinning at both the picture and the message. Loki really was giving him plenty to look forward to this summer, even if he did take the high road and keep his mouth shut. He set the card aside and began pulling out packing paper, digging out the contents of the box.

There was a carefully-padded container of peanut butter cookies (Thor’s favorite—he popped the lid and ate one immediately). Beneath that, bags of Starburst and Sour Patch Kids; then a packet of rainbow highlighters and matching index cards. Two pencil toppers made to be chewed on, one red and one black—Thor shot a guilty, amused look at the pen on the coffee table, the plastic full of teeth marks. Loki knew him all too well. 

There was a little papercraft box in the shape of a cassette tape that nearly broke his heart. Thor was pretty sure Loki must have designed it himself; when he carefully unfolded it, there was a tracklist printed inside, and a flash drive with two playlists, Side A and Side B. He didn’t recognize most of the artists, but he was pretty sure Loki had picked them with a lot of care, and was getting a bit emotional over it without even having listened to it yet.

And underneath all that was one more item wrapped in paper. Thor assumed it was a decoration for the end-of-term party—he’d mentioned the voting on what the theme should be to Loki a couple of weeks back, and updated him when Masquerade had been the winner (Thor had voted for Pirates, but he wasn’t particularly bothered about it one way or the other).

The paper slipped as he pulled it out, and his hand froze.

The eyehole of a familiar red mask peered out at him.

Oh god. Oh  _ god. _ Loki knew. 

Thor didn’t know what he was feeling; it had the claws of panic, but there wasn’t anything to panic about, not really. The conclusion was self-evident; Loki wasn’t horrified, or angry, or apparently even a little embarrassed, or else he wouldn’t have sent this blatant invitation, this blatant  _ tease.  _ Thor felt like a bit of a coward, to be honest—letting his little brother be the one to make the first move!—but it was a relief, too. The decision had been taken out of his hands. Loki clearly knew what he wanted, and was not afraid to say so. 

Well. Message received. Of course, the problem still remained: he didn’t dare say anything now, not even over the phone. Maybe that was overcautious, but the potential consequences were so fucking dire he didn't dare. They'd have to wait until Thor was home to have the real conversation that needed having.

Still, he couldn't leave Loki hanging. He needed to say something, to acknowledge, to confirm that Loki wasn't the only one who wanted to take this out of the realm of fantasy. It was getting close to time for the livestream, though, so Loki probably wouldn’t respond until tomorrow morning—Thor just fired off an initial text to say he’d gotten the package and loved it. He could think of something clever to say about the mask tomorrow when Loki answered.

But— _ oh.  _ If Loki knew he was watching, did he know which username was Thor’s? Maybe his being in the stream at all was confirmation enough, but—maybe he could say something in the chat? Or—the paid subscription came with a certain number of “coins” each month to tip with, and Loki definitely could see the usernames of who was tipping when, so maybe Thor could wait until Loki said something significant and spend some coins. He’d felt a little guilty about not tipping before, but he’d been trying to lay low, avoid drawing Loki’s attention. That just meant he had more to spend now, on  _ getting _ Loki’s attention.

When Loki came on screen, gorgeous as ever, Thor felt almost like he was seeing him for the first time. How long had Loki known he was watching? How many videos had Thor watched lonely and longing, wishing Loki were performing for  _ him _ specifically, not knowing that Loki  _ literally _ was?

He couldn’t truly say that he wished he’d known sooner, though. He’d had to work through it, get a grip on what he was truly feeling, before he could receive Loki’s invitation without freaking right the hell out. He didn’t know how Loki had known, but he’d timed it about as perfectly as he could have.

Loki was wearing the magpie earring again, which lit a warmth in Thor’s chest. He had even mentioned it specifically in last week’s stream, batting his eyes at the camera— _ oh, this? Just a little something Dreamboy gave me. Jewelry’s not a very platonic gift, is it? Who knows, maybe you guys  _ **_will_ ** _ get to appreciate him on my stream someday. _ Of course, Thor hadn’t realized then that he’d really meant it.

And  _ would _ Thor actually join him? He wasn’t sure. It was definitely one of the things they’d have to discuss. He’d gotten used to the idea of Loki performing for the camera with surprising ease, but then again, maybe that was because he’d been too busy stressing over  _ enjoying _ those performances. He’d certainly liked the fantasy of joining Loki on camera, but he wasn’t sure how much of that was simply the fantasy of being with Loki at all.

But he was getting distracted. He’d missed the last few things Loki had said, and now Loki was stripping out of his tight green crop-top, biting his lip in a way that was  _ so calculated  _ and still somehow always had Thor losing his mind. He laced his fingers together, folded them out into an idle stretch that showed off his lean lovely chest, smiled in a way that melted Thor into a stupid puddle. “So,” he said, too sweetly to be anything but up to something, “I got a new toy that I think you’ll all like.”

Truthfully, Thor would have been happy to watch him play with the snake toy for the rest of eternity, or even just his own two hands, but there  _ was _ something enticing about watching Loki try out something new.

“Now, some of you are very faithful, so this won’t look familiar to you. But I’ve told you before I don’t mind if you cheat, as long as you come back,” he winked there, as he often did, “so  _ some of you _ will know exactly what this is before I explain it.” When he held the toy up—to Thor’s uneducated eye, it looked sort of terrifying and definitely the wrong shape to go inside a body—the chat went  _ absolutely wild, _ so there must have been a lot of so-called cheaters. For some reason Thor felt a petty burst of satisfaction at that—he was here for Loki and  _ only _ Loki, unlike all of Ty Trouble’s other “darling deviants.”

Loki laughed, delighted. “Oh, I see you’re acquainted. Well, for the few pure angels that are left—and I don’t know how you ended up here, frankly, but I’m happy to be the one to pop your cam cherries—this is a prostate massager that’s powered by your tips. So you have  _ direct control _ of what it’s going to be doing to me.” He quirked a playful eyebrow, and Thor’s dick throbbed. “I’ll be entirely at your mercy. Now, I’m not shy—I’m going to ask you all for what I want. But you’ll have to decide whether you’re going to give it to me. Pretty exciting for me, I have to be honest, giving up control and putting myself in someone else’s hands.”

Thor was beginning to have an idea. He wasn’t entirely sure he could pull it off, and even if he could time things right there was no controlling what the other viewers did, but...fuck, if he  _ could,  _ it would be the perfect response to Loki’s little mask gambit.

Loki took his time, of course—stripping out of the see-through briefs he had on today as showily as possible, teasing himself to hardness, lubing up the toy with overly-intent fingers. Thor watched with interest as he finally slid it inside himself—apparently, the whole thing didn’t go inside, which was a relief to know. Instead, there was an arm to vibrate externally, which it seemed was for perineum stimulation (the things Thor was learning these days, _ fuck).  _ Once he had it in, he turned pretty doe-eyes on the camera.

“Now, what I’m hoping you’ll do for me is ease me into it. Ramp it up slowly, really let it build. I can’t  _ stop  _ you from going wild, of course, but I think it would be a disappointment for everyone if you all let me come too soon.” He laughed softly. “If I were you, I’d make me really beg for it. Your choice. Now, are you ready? I’m going to turn it on. After that it’s all in your hands.”

Loki clicked something on the screen, and then jerked slightly, laughing, as an overeager watcher dumped a slew of coins on him. “That’s not—ha—ramping it up slowly,  _ MsMeltstick2u.” _

Thor glanced at the chat.   
_ MsMeltstick2u: I just wanted to see you jump. _

Loki laughed again. “I can respect that. And I did say I couldn’t stop you. But—oh,  _ yes—grandmasturbater _ knows how to take things slowly, I think. A nice steady buzz like that is, mm, perfect for starting out with.”

_ grandmasturbater _ was one of Ty’s regulars and a big spender, a name that popped up often on his streams. Thor could have been jealous, but frankly, there was a mask sitting beside him on the bed right now that said he had more of Loki’s attention than that guy would ever have of Ty Trouble’s. All he really felt was a bit of pity.

It was interesting to see Loki ride out a wave not entirely of his own making. Thor hadn’t really thought about it before, but of course he’d only seen what Loki was like on his own. Introducing the uncertainties of another person changed the field a little, and Thor liked to see how Loki looked when he was surprised. How he might look when—when it was  _ Thor _ seeing to his pleasure, rather than himself.

There were, of course, bursts of activity as people couldn’t help themselves, dumping large amounts of coins all at once. Loki was never  _ loud _ in his videos—it didn’t seem to come naturally to him, and he didn’t try to fake it, but he didn’t need to because the smaller sounds he did make were plenty sexy enough—but he did react gorgeously to those small spikes of sensation, his voice breaking on a moan or playful cursing at the parties responsible. Others spread out their wealth, giving Loki more of what he’d asked for, slowly working up to higher tips as Loki got more flushed and needy.

Thor watched carefully, and kept his in reserve.

Loki started begging early. Thor couldn’t say for sure how he even knew that, but he felt certain that Loki was neither quite as close nor as desperate as all that. Not surprising, it  _ was _ a performance—but Thor was certain he could see through it. Other people were ramping up their tips, making Loki squirm, but it wasn’t  _ quite  _ time. He waited.

And then, finally, something subtle in Loki’s face changed. His begging continued in the same vein, his hand moving the same speed over his cock, but there was a hitch in his breath now when he said, “Please, please, I need it,  _ please—”  _ and Thor was sure. He didn’t tip all of his coins in one go, but rather in several short pulses, adding a specific rhythm to the level of everyone else’s contributions, and then—watching Loki’s body go tight with tension—he dropped the remainder all at once.

Loki’s back arched and he was coming, striping his stomach with white, shivering with aftershocks as his viewership continued to shower him with money (and lewd commentary, of course, in the chat). Thor felt viciously satisfied—he had done that. Even with a chatroom full of horny men (and women?) with money to burn,  _ Thor _ had been the one to make Loki come. And he’d done it by knowing how to read the signs of Loki’s body, which was a power so thrilling it felt like sparks in Thor’s blood.

It took Loki a moment to rally, panting. “All right,” he said, breathless, “I’ll leave it in a little longer if you’ll all be gentle with me. That was  _ intense.” _ He sat up a little, flushed and a bit glassy-eyed. “I hope you all are very proud of yourselves,  _ fuck. _ I’ll definitely be using this again. I’ve already called out some of you for  _ especially _ good performance, but let me add last-minute dark horse  _ bigbaratiddies _ to the list, because I’m pretty sure you joined in right in time to tip me over.” The absolute delight of being recognized for his participation made hearing Thor’s own stupidly-chosen username read aloud  _ slightly _ less embarrassing, though only slightly. Loki grinned and fanned himself. “Fantastic work, everyone. It’s about that time, though, and frankly after that I need a cigarette and a nap, so I’m going to sign off for tonight. See you next week, my gorgeous monsters, and thank you for an  _ incredible  _ fuck.”

Thor flopped back onto his bed once the stream ended, throwing an arm over his face. He felt good. Not just good, he was  _ soaring, _ as if he’d been the one having the incredible orgasm. Which—he was definitely going to finish jerking off,  _ obviously, _ but he doubted it would take long and it certainly wouldn’t be a big affair. He was already riding about as high as he could get—coming would just be the icing on the cake.

He knew what Loki looked like when he was close. Knew it so well he could predict it, knew it so well he knew exactly what it took to tip him over. And in a little under two weeks, he’d be home, Loki within arm’s reach, and  _ goddamn,  _ let him count the very many ways he was going to use that knowledge to both of their benefits.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short one today. I'm probably going to go to updating every other day until the fic is done, so next update will be Thursday. :)

**Tuesday, May 20, 2019** 7:42 PM

**Thor:** got my box of study surprises! 

**Thor:** if this can’t get me through next week, nothing can :D

**Wednesday, May 21** 9:13 AM

**Loki:** How did the cookies travel? 

**Thor:** surprisingly well, mostly intact 

**Thor:** and i’ve been jamming to the side a mix already 

**Loki:** Good, those are some of the bands I thought we might see this summer 

**Thor:** i can't wait 

**Thor:** gonna use all these highlighters at once 

**Thor:** i have be honest, i was not expecting the mask 

**Thor:** but i’m...looking forward to wearing it 

**Loki:** Ha 

**Loki:** Well, I can’t trust you to figure these things out on your own, can I? 

**Loki:** You’re clueless when it comes to how to present yourself. It is known. 

**Thor:** clueless about everything honestly 

**Loki:** Well, hopefully not EVERYTHING. 

**Loki:** That would make next week very awkward, lol 

**Thor:** 🙄 

**Thor:** you definitely do not need to worry about that 

**Loki:** Well, soon you’ll be on vacation 

**Loki:** And we’ll have the whole summer not to worry about it 😉


	24. Chapter 24

Thor wore his Magpie Prophet shirt for the flight home on Saturday. He felt a little silly, but he was pretty sure the looks he was getting were admiring and not judgy. Anyway, it was well worth it when he met his mother and Loki at baggage claim—Loki visibly checked him out from head to toe, looking a little pink around the ears, and flustered hard when Thor met his eyes and grinned. Thor hugged Frigga, then Loki—in an appropriately fraternal fashion, of course, though he did murmur “Hey,” directly against Loki’s ear just to see him react.

“Hey yourself,” Loki managed, clearing his throat and stepping back, his color even higher. He was smiling, though, a shy pleased smile that was nothing like Ty Trouble’s knowing one.

Thor grabbed his suitcase off the conveyor and then they were headed out to the car, the sun bright and hot overhead. He and Frigga chatted idly about how finals had gone, and about possible summer jobs for Thor—most definitely not the hardware store again, but Odin maybe had a line on a landscaping company that was looking for part-time help, and the independent coffee shop near the high school was hiring if that didn’t pan out. Loki rode along quietly in the back, but when Thor glanced back at him he was still smiling faintly, so that was all right.

Thor had hoped they might have a chance to talk that evening, but by the time he got his suitcase unpacked Odin was home from work, and then they were all going out to dinner to celebrate another school year completed. Final grades wouldn’t be posted until next week for Loki and two weeks for Thor, but he was pretty sure he’d done well and Loki  _ definitely _ had. After dinner Frigga wanted to show off the newly-spruced up patio, and they ended up sitting out around the fancy new fire pit table until long after dark. He couldn’t really complain, though—he’d missed his parents, too. Odin was in rare form, full of jokes and—unusually for him—pleased with both his sons at the same time. Even Loki seemed to be having a good time, relaxed and happy.

When they finally went in, Thor caught Loki in the upstairs hallway, putting a hand on his shoulder. He didn’t really expect to be able to have a conversation—their parents were still downstairs, but they’d be up any minute. Loki turned to give him a questioning look; Thor reached out and brushed a finger over the dangling magpie at the top of his ear and smiled. 

Loki’s eyes went wide for just a moment, his sharp inhale loud in the quiet space. Then the expression was gone, replaced by one of playful annoyance, and if Thor hadn’t known what to look for he would have thought he imagined it. Loki grabbed his wrist, pushing it slightly away and quirking an eyebrow. “Does this look like a petting zoo to you?”

Thor noticed that, despite the grip, Loki hadn’t stepped back or ducked away, and there was a smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth. He put on an innocent face. “What, this isn’t the goat farm? I must have gotten turned around.” He shifted his weight a little forward, putting himself closer to Loki without being obvious about it.

“Cute,” Loki said, sarcastic, but Thor could see the bob of his Adam’s apple as he swallowed, and his grip on Thor’s wrist had slackened just the tiniest bit.

“Very,” Thor agreed, deliberately misunderstanding. “It looks good on you.” Loki hadn’t let go, but he wasn’t preventing Thor from touching anymore. So Thor did, accidentally-on-purpose letting his fingertip brush the skin behind the charm; Loki’s breath hitched, and the tension between them was suddenly thick enough to cut.

Thor nearly leaned in and did something very, very stupid. Fortunately, Frigga came jogging up the stairs  _ before _ he committed to kissing his brother and not after; Loki swatted his hand away and said,  _ “Mom, _ Thor’s touching me,” then poked his tongue out for good measure.

“Sorry, my contract for resolving sibling disputes expired when you turned eighteen,” Frigga said cheerily, breezing past them on the way to her own bedroom. “I’m also not interested in who started it, whether it was  _ fair, _ or which one of you gets the last cookie.”

The boys couldn’t help grinning at each other, despite the near miss. 

“But  _ Mom,” _ Thor teased, and she rolled her eyes before disappearing into her room. He turned back to Loki. “Talk tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” Loki said, smiling. “Sure.” Then he turned and went into his own room, closing the door.

~

They...didn’t, though.

Part of that was because Odin commandeered them both to help build the raised garden beds Frigga had been on him about for the better part of two years. Thor didn’t really mind; he liked working outdoors, and it was still the early, temperate part of summer. Loki was less thrilled, but he slathered on sunscreen and joined them without  _ too _ much complaint. Every now and again, Thor caught him watching, out of the corner of his eye; he stripped his shirt off as soon as it was hot enough to give him the excuse, enjoying the way Loki was suddenly trying to look anywhere but at him. It was a little mean, maybe, to tease him this way in front of their dad, but Loki had been teasing him for months. 

They paused for lunch, but other than that, it occupied most of the day—it was after four by the time they wrapped up, hot and tired.

Loki disappeared up to his room, muttering something about a shower; Thor took a glass of ice water to the couch, and didn’t drink any of it before falling soundly asleep. No one interrupted his nap, so he slept for more than an hour, and woke up disoriented and groggy.

Frigga was in the armchair, quietly reading; Odin was in the kitchen making dinner, and Loki had apparently not reappeared. Thor thought about going up and knocking on his door, but he felt like a limp dishrag after his too-long nap, so instead he drank his now-warmish glass of water and turned something mindless on the TV. They could talk after dinner, when his brain was working again.

“Oh!” Frigga sat up suddenly. “I meant to ask you, sweetheart. Would you be okay if we celebrated your birthday sometime next weekend? I have an awards dinner on Tuesday night—I wasn’t going to go, but apparently I’m being recognized. I know that’s not ideal, especially last minute. But if we do it this weekend your grandparents could come, and I know they’d love to see you and give you your gifts in person.”

“Yeah, of course! Congratulations. Is Dad going to go with you?” Thor tried not to think too hard about the possibility of he and Loki having the house to themselves. On his  _ birthday.  _ He didn’t entirely succeed.

“Yes, spouses are invited.” She gave him an indulgent but knowing smile. “But we won’t be out super late, so don’t get any ideas about having a blowout party.”

Thor laughed. “No, Volstagg’s got the party part covered. Speaking of which, that’s Saturday, so could we do the family celebration on Sunday?”

Frigga hummed agreement. “Let me know what you want for dinner. I’ll probably go to the grocery store on Thursday.”

Thor nodded, and melted back into the couch until Odin called them in to eat.

Loki was looking much refreshed, and Thor was slowly starting to perk back up again; the temperature was slowly dropping as the sun slid lower, so they took dinner out onto the patio, appreciating the new garden beds even if there wasn’t a garden in them yet.

“I got us tickets for New Doug on the 25th,” Loki told Thor as he passed him the pasta. “Darcy will go with me if you’re not free, but they’ll be touring the Carolinas and up the coast after that so it’s the only time this summer we’d be able to catch them.”

“I’m definitely free. How much do I owe you?” 

Loki waved that off, though he looked pleased with himself. “Don’t worry about it.”

Odin and Frigga were involved in their own conversation, paying no attention, so Thor smirked. “Right. Sugar daddy, I forgot.”

“I do  _ not—”  _ Loki shoved him, laughing, and the bowl of pasta nearly met a grisly end. That got their parents’ attention, of course, so Thor couldn’t tease him any further about that particular subject, but Loki spent the rest of dinner needling him in revenge and frankly Thor considered that just as enjoyable.

Thor volunteered to clear the dishes, thinking it would be a good excuse for he and Loki to head in early. But when he tried to give Loki a meaningful look, Loki only smiled and handed over his plate, thanking him before going back to whatever he’d been saying to their mom. Thor lingered inside for a bit longer than it actually took to wash up, trying to catch Loki’s eye through the kitchen window, but Loki apparently had no intention of going anywhere.

He almost started to wonder if Loki was having second thoughts, avoiding him on purpose, but—that didn’t seem like Loki. And besides, if that had been the case, surely he wouldn’t have smiled like that when Thor came back outside, beckoning him over with mischievous glee.

“Hey. Help me put the hammock up?” 

The rope hammock had been a major fixture of their childhood and teenage summers—well, it was a new hammock every few years, they didn’t last all that long between staying outside in all weather and rough handling, but it always lived between the same two trees in the backyard so it blurred together into a single hammock in their memories. How many times had they sprawled in it together, gazing up through the leaves overhead? At least, until someone elbowed someone else or accidentally kneed them in the face or not-so-accidentally pinched their ankles, and the ensuing scuffles dumped them both out on the ground.

Thor had also  _ definitely _ made out with more than one person in that hammock. He had a pretty good guess that Loki had too. The two kinds of nostalgia about it had never overlapped before, but now they were mixing together in his brain in all sorts of dangerous ways.

“I don’t know, are you going to pitch me out this time?” he said.

Loki grinned. “Me? I would never.”

“Better check the weight rating, boys,” Odin said. “Nobody’s pitching anyone out, because I’m pretty sure you’re too big to both be in it at the same time, and I just bought that one this year so you’re both going to be paying me back if you destroy it.”

Well, that was disappointing. Maybe they would try it anyway, when Odin wasn’t home to scold them. In the meantime, Thor nodded to Loki. “I’ll help. As long as I get the first turn.”

“It was my idea! I get the first turn.” Loki turned on his sweetest expression. “But I’ll push you when it’s your turn.”

“Deal.” They carried the hammock out to begin tying it up—it was definitely a two-person job, and took a fair amount of adjustment. They were far enough from their parents that Thor dared to say, “I thought we were going to talk.”

“We are talking,” Loki said, pulling his end of the rope taut. He looked quizzical when Thor made a noise of irritation at him, then his eyebrows went up. “Oh.  _ Talk _ talk.”

“Yes,  _ talk _ talk,” Thor said, a little sarcastically, but that seemed to make Loki nervous and he didn’t want to give the impression that the talk would include anything but an enthusiastic  _ yes _ and working out the logistics involved. He smiled, and Loki relaxed a little and smiled back.

“Of course. As long as this one doesn’t involve a lecture about my…” Loki paused, smirking,  _ “sugar daddy.  _ Or lack thereof.”

Thor laughed. “No, no lectures. Just…” he considered whether he should say it, but it was innocent enough, and their parents couldn’t hear them from here anyway, not when they were speaking quietly like this. “Just love.”

Loki rolled his eyes expansively. “Ugh, you’re such a  _ sap _ . Fine. Uh...tomorrow?”

Thor chuckled. “Okay. Tomorrow.” Odin and Frigga would be at work. They would talk, and work through it all, and then maybe—maybe more. Thor was excited, and a little nervous; Loki was too, judging by his expression.

They finished rigging up the hammock, then took turns pushing each other until the mosquitoes got too bad for Thor to put up with anymore. They never seemed to bite Loki when he was around, which was deeply annoying. “I’m going in, I’m becoming a one-man blood feast.”

Loki snorted and waved him off. “I’m going to stay out a little longer. Goodnight?”

“‘Night,” Thor said, and headed into the house.

It was stifling in his bedroom. Technically they had central air, but it never really seemed to reach the top floor. He turned on the fan full blast and opened the window, then stripped down to his boxers, flopping down on the bed in hopes that the breeze would help.

Loki’s voice floated up from outside. He must have moved back to the patio; Mom and Dad had gone in long before Thor, so he was alone out there, apparently on his phone. Thor didn’t mean to listen, but it was quiet both inside and out, the only other sounds the hum of his fan and the night noise of crickets and frogs.

“Darce?” Loki sounded...stressed, a surprising contrast to how he’d seemed a few moments ago when Thor left him lazing in the hammock. “Hey. I know it’s last minute, but can we do something tomorrow? I have an errand I want to run. Yeah, early. Can you pick me up? Mmhmm, exactly. I’ll tell you when I see you.” A pause. “Thanks. I owe you.”

Thor had sort of hoped they’d have most of the day tomorrow before their parents got back from work, but Loki had said early to Darcy—maybe he wouldn’t be gone that long. And, impatient as he was, he had to admit they had the whole summer. Even if it  _ would  _ be very frustrating to have the conversation and not be able to act on it immediately.

He fell asleep imagining pleasant scenarios for how the  _ acting on it _ part would go, so he didn’t see the text from Loki that came in sometime around midnight.

**Monday, June 1, 2019** 12:03 AM

**Loki:** Hey 

**Loki:** I am REALLY sorry, I totally forgot I promised Darcy we’d spend the day together tomorrow 

**Loki:** She’s going to pick me up early and I’ll probably be crashing at her place 

**Loki:** But I’ll be back Tuesday


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry today's update is a little late. Got to see my partner in person for the first time since Valentine's Day (with masks and distancing, don't worry)! It was much needed.

**Monday, June 1, 2019** 12:03 AM

**Loki:** Hey 

**Loki:** I am REALLY sorry, I totally forgot I promised Darcy we’d spend the day together tomorrow 

**Loki:** She’s going to pick me up early and I’ll probably be crashing at her place 

**Loki:** But I’ll be back Tuesday 

9:23 AM

**Thor:** loki seriously what the fuck 

10:40 AM

**Loki:** I know, I’m sorry 😞 

**Loki:** I promised Darcy first 

3:15 PM

**Thor:** look 

**Thor:** okay 

**Thor:** i’ve gone back and forth about saying anything but i’m pissed off 

**Thor:** my window was open last night, i heard you call darcy 

**Thor:** why the fuck did you say we could talk and then bail on me 

3:23 PM

**Loki:** Fuck 

**Loki:** You’re right, that was shitty and I don’t have a good excuse 

**Loki:** I know we need to talk 

**Loki:** I’m sorry I just 

**Loki:** Panicked, I guess 

**Loki:** I know I make it seem like I know what I’m doing and don’t care what people think but 

**Loki:** I do care, a lot. About what you think. 

**Thor:** lo 

**Loki:** You’re really important to me and if I fucked that up it’s going to be unbearable 

**Loki:** I just wanted a stay of execution, I guess 

**Thor:** loki no 

**Loki:** I know I crossed the line 

**Loki:** Or like, all of them 

**Thor:** hey stop 

**Thor:** i love you 

**Thor:** but you get so damn in your own head for no reason 

**Thor:** we’re fine you’re fine nobody’s going anywhere 

**Thor:** it’s a good talk 

**Thor:** right? 

**Thor:** i thought I got that across and i’m sorry if i didn’t 

**Thor:** and also you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do 

**Thor:** but you didn’t have to lie to me 

**Loki:** Okay 

**Loki:** I really am sorry 

**Loki:** I jumped to conclusions about what you were going to say and then acted badly on that assumption 

**Loki:** And I’m sorry for the mixed messages 

**Loki:** But here’s the truth as it stands right now: 

**Loki:** I’m embarrassed for being an idiot about it and I know you’re going to say I don’t have to be but I am 

**Loki:** So I need a little time before we talk 

**Thor:** okay 

**Thor:** that’s fine. you can tell me when you’re ready 

3:45 PM

**Thor:** you’re really important to me too


	26. Chapter 26

The landscaping place called Thor about an interview a few minutes after he finished texting Loki. They asked if he was free to come in the next day; he figured since he was, in essence, going to be spending his birthday alone and brooding anyway, there was no reason not to use the time to try and become gainfully employed.

The texts with Loki had left him far less certain than he had been. Loki was clearly having second thoughts, regretting such an outright come-on. And Thor saying he wasn’t upset about that—that it was meant to be a  _ happy _ talk—didn’t reassure him as much as Thor might have expected, which made him wonder how the talk  _ would  _ go. He would try not to do the exact thing he’d counseled Loki against and get in his own head about it, but he thought from their conversation that there was a definite possibility that Loki had changed his mind but was afraid Thor would hate him for it.

Thor wouldn’t, of course he wouldn’t, but it  _ was _ going to hurt. If that was the conversation, which it might not be. He was going to try not to jump to conclusions.

He woke on Tuesday to find a happy birthday text from Frigga and those of his friends who got up earlier than he did, and when he went down to the kitchen there was a big blueberry muffin with a candle in it and a light sprinkling of confetti on the table. He smiled a little at that. Loki still wasn’t home from Darcy’s, which was probably for the best—Thor knew he was going to have a hard time playing at normalcy until Loki was ready to have their talk, at least if they were alone together. He wasn’t looking forward to the awkwardness.

He went to the gym for a bit, then grabbed lunch, showered, and put on some nice but still work-outdoors-appropriate clothes for his interview. Still no sign of Loki. The interview was relatively informal, and he thought it went well—they were essentially just looking for someone who could mow lawns, shovel dirt, and take direction. He bought himself ice cream afterwards, and was still finishing up his banana split when they called him back to ask if he could start next week. He could.

He was in no hurry to go home, really. He needed a pair of new sneakers—his were getting pretty embarrassing—so he went shopping instead, spending way more time trying pairs on and deliberating than he ever would have normally. And oh, while he was out, he needed less shitty headphones than his current ones, so he stopped by an electronics store and let himself get briefly lost in all the many, many phone accessories on display. And then it was late enough in the afternoon that he might as well get dinner—after all, his parents weren’t going to be home and it would be weird eating with Loki.

He did almost offer to bring something home for Loki, but when he opened the text window their previous conversation was still looming, making things awkward. He decided not to; he’d give Loki some space, for now.

It turned out to be moot anyway. When he finally got home, yelling a greeting up the stairs, there was no answer. He thought maybe Loki had been and gone—there was a cup in the sink that he didn’t think had been there this morning, but no other signs of life, and the house was silent. He sighed, grabbed a soda from the fridge, then went out to chill in the hammock and try out his new headphones. Of course, what he’d been listening to lately was 90% Loki-recommended, but honestly getting his mind away from Loki entirely was an exercise in futility. He put on the Side B mix and closed his eyes, relaxing and letting himself drift.

He skipped over  _ Not Enough Pamphlets, _ not in the mood, but  _ Piss Off, Ghost _ was a better fit. Little by little, he felt his tension ebb away. Honestly, even if he was the reason for some of the tension, Loki was good at picking relaxing music. Thor let the playlist continue, the volume up loud enough to drown out all the outdoor summer sounds around him, and he was almost feeling reasonably okay about things when the notification went off and cut out his music.

He glanced at it distractedly, expecting another birthday text, but instead it was an email from the cam site, with the subject line  _ Your favorites are streaming now! _ He realized belatedly that he really shouldn’t have used his main email for that. Then he realized that it was Tuesday night, and the email was a notification that Ty’s stream was starting.

His budding calm was ripped out at the roots. Was Loki still at Darcy’s? Would he stream from someone else’s house? Oh fuck,  _ did Darcy know? _

He clicked the link. After all, he had headphones and it wasn’t like anyone was around to see what he was watching.

Loki was not at Darcy’s. Either he’d come home while Thor had been out here, or he’d been home all along; that was definitely his bedroom. Thor couldn’t help glancing up at his window, though of course there was nothing to see through the curtain.

He wondered if Loki was intending for him to see this, or if he even realized Thor was home. Maybe he thought Thor was safely out and would miss this one. Maybe he knew but didn’t care, would pretend everything was normal.

“Well, my ravening beasts, I know some of you are tired of hearing about Dreamboy, so I’ll be brief. Although maybe some good news for you—I’ve probably ruined everything, so this may be the last time you’ll ever have to.” Loki pouted prettily, playing for sympathy, but Thor thought there was a very real current of worry down deep beneath it. Not that his viewers could see it; it was probably just another dramatic story to them, something they could comfort Ty over with large tips and lewd suggestions.

Before he quite knew what he was doing, he typed  _ you didn’t ruin everything _ into the chat.

“I came on much,  _ much _ too strong—I know, me? Too much? Perish the thought.” Loki smirked ruefully. He clearly hadn’t seen what Thor had typed. “And I’ve been so hot and cold with him, even if he says we’re still good, I kind of doubt that’s the case. He wants to have a  _ talk.” _

Thor ached a little that Loki still didn’t believe him, but it gave him hope, too. Even more so when Loki did the thing where he looked straight into the camera, leaning in like he was speaking directly to Thor—and maybe, this time, it wasn’t too crazy to believe that he actually was. “It’s his birthday today. Let me tell you, I’ve daydreamed a lot about just tying a big red bow around my waist and showing up at his door today, so you can imagine how miserable I am to be in his bad books. I came to you all to lift my spirits, since you always do it so well.”

Thor drew a breath.  _ you’re not in his bad books, _ he typed.  _ he loves you. he wants you as much as you want him. _

Loki did see it this time. His eyebrow raised, and his smile was nearly wolfish. “Oh,” he said, “that’s sweet. We have a  _ romantic _ in the room, I see.”

_ not a romantic, just an expert, _ Thor typed. Which was maybe not strictly true in the former category.

The chat was, unsurprisingly, unimpressed with that when they’d come here to get their rocks off—a few jokingly demanded his “credentials” while the rest told him to shut up and let Ty get to getting naked. Loki smirked sweetly. “Well, I appreciate your optimism, Mr. Tiddies, though I think it’s unwarranted.”

Thor realized, then, that Loki must not know his username.

_ i’m dreamboy. i think i would know. _

Loki blinked at the screen, and his grin went predatory again. “Oh,  _ are _ you.” He raised his eyebrows, addressing the audience at large. “Apparently he  _ was _ watching! The real live Dreamboy, everyone. With a username like  _ bigbaratiddies, _ you know he’s got to be the real deal. Only thing is, Dreamboy…” he tucked a fist under his chin, batting his eyelashes, and Thor was reminded of the Willy Wonka meme Loki had sent him ages ago. “If you’re him, then why aren’t you here with the mask I gave you?”

_ i don’t think that’s the best idea, _ Thor typed, after a long hesitation.

Loki snorted. “Mmhmm. That’s what I thought. Well, happy birthday, Dreamboy, I’m going to get on with the show now if it’s all the same to you. If you change your mind, you know where to find me,” he winked, “and then maybe we’ll have that…‘talk.’”

Thor was rolling out of the hammock before he knew what his body was doing. The house was quiet as he went in, and even at the top of the stairs he couldn’t hear anything from Loki’s room—it was a strange thing to think about right now, but he’d apparently been silly to worry that Loki could have overheard him jerking off when they were growing up. Maybe not that strange, because everything felt disjointed, like his brain had been disconnected from his body, like someone else was operating his limbs while his mind rattled along down an unrelated track.

He found the mask in his suitcase, lifted it out, put it on. Checked himself in the mirror, but barely saw what he was looking at.

His feet took him back to Loki’s doorway. His hand didn’t knock; instead it twisted the doorknob, opened the door as his feet carried him in. The disjointed voice in his brain observed, with vague interest, that it had been pretty ballsy for Loki to leave the door unlocked even if he was hoping for company. He closed the door behind him and turned.

He hadn’t realized the door was in the camera shot, but he could see himself in the image on Loki’s screen. Loki was still looking at the camera; he’d peeled his shirt off and was teasing the viewers about his tight-fitting jeans. The magpie was stark against his skin; Thor wanted so desperately to touch it. 

“Maybe I want to  _ romance _ you all,” Loki was saying, laughter in his voice. “Take things  _ slow _ .” He glanced at the chat, frowning. “Wait, what? What do you mean—it’s  _ who?”  _ Then he stiffened, clearly catching sight of Thor on the screen. 

He whirled around, wild-eyed behind the mask, and his shock was—genuine. Maybe he’d thought Thor was still out; it apparently wasn’t just that he didn’t believe  _ bigbaratiddies _ was actually Thor, it was that he hadn’t thought Thor was watching tonight at all.

“What—” Loki’s voice failed for a second, and he swallowed hard, “what are you  _ doing?” _

Thor couldn’t bear the fear in his voice. He gave Loki a small smile that was meant to be reassuring. “You invited me.” And then, very quietly, in hopes the mic wouldn’t pick it up, “I can go.”

Loki stared for a moment longer, then seemed to rally himself. He made a short sharp movement with his hand, his body shielding it from the camera— _ no, don’t. _ Then he held up a finger:  _ wait a minute. _

Loki turned back to the camera, putting on an exaggerated expression of disbelief, and then a big (but fake) Ty Trouble grin, as if inviting the viewers to join him in his delight. He glanced back at Thor again, as if to check that he was still there, but his hand snaked out lightning-fast behind him and hit a key on his laptop without looking.

The laptop went into airplane mode, killing the connection. The video disconnected, and the page was replaced with an error code. Thor gave Loki a short nod of confirmation, and Loki exhaled shakily, reaching up to remove his mask.

Behind it, he looked terrified.

Thor took his off too, sinking slowly into the chair, feeling terrible. “I’m sorry. I should have—waited until after we talked. I didn’t mean to startle you that badly.”

Loki looked as if he was going to be sick. “You’ve been watching my videos?”

Thor stared. “I—what do you mean? You knew I was!”

Loki bit his lip and shook his head, a tiny movement that hurt Thor’s heart.

“But—you sent me the mask,” he said slowly, the end rising a little almost like a question.

Loki’s mortified blush showed up starkly against his current pallor. “It was a stupid—joke, with myself. I didn’t think you’d know.” Then, suddenly, a little of the misery flowed out of his expression, a connection finally made. “But...you put it on.”

“Yes,” Thor agreed, relieved.

“You’ve been  _ watching my videos,” _ Loki said, with new understanding.

_ “Yes,”  _ Thor said again. “I told you it was a good talk.” And then, conscientiously, “I mean, we don’t  _ have _ to do anything. You’re my brother, always. I love you, even if you want it to stay fantasy.”

“I don’t,” Loki interrupted, almost before he could finish. And then, imperious in the way that only Loki could be, “Come  _ here.” _

Thor moved to the bed, half-expecting to be jumped, and while that was a very appealing prospect they definitely needed to talk more first. Loki didn’t, though. He leaned in close, studying Thor’s face as if deciphering some difficult text. Whatever he found there pleased him. When he sat back again, he was far less tense. “Why didn’t you  _ say _ something?” he demanded, though there was no real heat to it.

“I’ve been trying!” Thor elbowed him, and Loki swatted him back. “But  _ somebody’s  _ been avoiding being alone with me since I got home. And I wasn’t exactly going to put it in a text where anyone could find it.”

Loki grumbled, but he couldn’t exactly disagree.

“Hang on, though,” Thor said. “What did you  _ think _ we were going to talk about? Why  _ were _ you avoiding me, if you didn’t know I knew?”

Loki gave him a wry look. “I knew you  _ knew. _ I just didn’t know you knew about the camming. I’ve been so stupid-obvious, but I thought I was getting away with it. But then in the hallway—I almost kissed you, there’s no way I could think you missed that.” He scowled. “I thought you were going to be all...gentle and big-brotherly about it. Tell me it was okay and I wasn’t broken, let me down easy, help me get into therapy. Tell me I was just...projecting, or some shit.”

“Are you?” Thor raised an eyebrow, teasing.

“Fuck off.” Loki was smiling. And then, slyly, “Which one was your favorite?”

Thor blinked. “Favorite?”

“Video.”  _ Fuck,  _ the Ty Trouble smirk was so much more dangerous in person. “Which one did you like the best?”

“Hmm, how did it go?” Thor lifted a hand and curled it gently in Loki’s hair, then used the light hold to pull their faces close together again. “ _ Sorry.  _ Hung  _ over.  _ Talk  _ later,”  _ he said in a teasing growl.

Loki drew a sharp breath, even as he made a slightly pained expression, laughing with chagrin. “Of  _ course _ you saw that one. Fuck. I didn’t know, okay?”

“You still don’t. I didn’t get dumped. I didn’t respond because I spent the whole weekend beating myself up for jerking off to one of your other videos.” Loki’s eyes lit with something hot and hungry. Thor could feel Loki’s breath on his lips, but he still hovered there, not closing the distance quite yet. “Okay, my real favorite?”

“Please.”

“How about the one where I got  _ you _ off.”

Loki pulled back, squinting at him, amused. “I think I would remember that.”

“You’re telling me that username didn’t ring any bells? I’m hurt.” Thor faked a pout, though he didn’t do it nearly as well as Loki.

“Oh god, the vibrator?” Loki laughed, delighted. “That was actually—I wasn’t faking, that was actually really hot. But why the  _ hell _ is your username  _ bigbaratiddies, _ you absolute dumbass.”

It was Thor’s turn to blush. “I created the account in a hurry. Everyone else has these stupid juvenile-humor names and I didn’t want to stand out. That’s, uh, that’s apparently my name in Val’s phone.”

Loki leaned in again, wriggling a little with wicked glee. “In a hurry, huh?” he asked, teasingly breathy.

“You were wearing my hoodie, you little thief. I needed to know why.”

“Needed to see me take it off, more like.” His eyes sparkled, and Thor wanted so badly to kiss him he felt dizzy.

Thor sat back again, letting the hand in Loki’s hair loosen and slide down to rest at the back of his neck. “But...really, though. Is this okay? Are you sure you want—”

_ “Yes,  _ Thor. Yes, yes, ye— _ mmph.”  _ The rest of Loki’s repetition was muffled and quickly abandoned as Thor kissed him; he nearly launched himself into Thor’s lap, knocking them both backwards onto the bed where they gasped out laughter between kisses.

And  _ fuck, _ it was exactly as good as Thor had hoped. He felt all lit up inside, incandescent where their mouths met. Loki squirmed when he was pleased, or— _ god, _ turned on, making soft little sounds not dissimilar to the ones he made as Ty, but far,  _ far  _ less practiced. Thor was going to die, right here on his brother’s bed.

“We’ve got to be careful,” he managed, several minutes later, out of breath.

“I know, Thor,” Loki said and went right back to kissing him.

It took several more moments for Thor to surface again. “I mean—we can’t risk anyone even  _ slightly _ suspecting—”

“I  _ know, _ Thor.” Loki sat up a little, resting his elbow on Thor’s chest and his chin in his fist. “I do sex work, I’m a little familiar with the concept of discretion.”

Thor couldn’t keep the incredulity off his face. “You think that was  _ discretion?” _

Loki wrinkled his nose. “Granted. I’m a little stupid about you. And I might have been...subconsciously hoping you would find out, even if I didn’t realize that.” He clucked his tongue. “But I’m usually  _ really fucking careful.  _ Nobody knows but you, me, and the IRS.”

Thor snorted. “You put this on your  _ taxes?” _

“Yes, obviously, I get a 1099 and everything.” Loki laughed. “Can we not talk about taxes when I  _ finally _ have you in my bed?”

“There’s other stuff we need to talk about,” Thor pointed out, reasonably.

“I retract that. Can we not  _ talk _ when I finally have you in my bed?” Thor opened his mouth, but Loki cut him off. “I know, I  _ know,  _ we need to, but can we just…  _ later?” _ He dropped down again to rest his head against Thor’s shoulder; Thor turned his head to look. Loki’s eyes were very green up close, and very persuasive. He gave Thor a small smirk. “I  _ promise, _ we can talk before we do anything that requires clothing removal.”

Thor sighed gustily, but he was already a lost cause. He tugged Loki in for a far softer kiss; Loki magnanimously allowed it for a bit before turning it into something hotter and more demanding.

He was true to his word, though. He didn’t try for anything too provocative; they made out for nearly an hour before Odin and Frigga came home, and if there was a lot of grinding involved—especially once Thor rolled them over, pinning Loki beneath him—well, it didn’t require any clothes coming off.


End file.
